Irresponsible Headlines

Headline: Ringo is Dead What did you think when you saw that? Yeah, me too. The least talented (but equally famous) member of The Beatles seems to have died. Or not. The headline is for Hall of Famer and Green Bay Packers "great" Jim Ringo. I've never heard of him. I've watched sports since the early 70s...thousands of football games. Never heard the name. I worked as a sports producer in television. Never heard of him. My not having heard his name does not diminish how great he was -- if he was great -- but if I've never heard of him, I think it's fair to say that "Ringo is Dead" will not trigger Jim Ringo in the minds of the general public. I bet 90% of those in Green Bay, Wisconsin, thought of a drummer first and a football player second.

God's Law

Another feature of the South (and perhaps elsewhere): A Jacksonville (FL) sheriff's office car has a Jesus fish on it.

Decline of the Eyebrow

This may be a Southern thing, but I've noticed a lot of 18-25 year old women shaving their eyebrows completely off, and then re-drawing them. Someone explain this to me. I understand many women don't like their eyebrow shape, and while I think that's pretty silly -- I've never heard a guy say something positive or negative about a woman's eyebrows, as long as there are two -- the thought they would re-draw them, rather than re-shape them, is ludicrous. They don't even look like eyebrows. They take some kind of makeup pencil and draw a skinny little half-McDonald's arch in deep brown. No one's eyebrows are shaped like that. No one's eyebrows are that color. No one's eyebrows consist of a smooth edged line. I'd say these people look like hookers, except hookers are smart enough not to draw on their eyebrows because they know it will hurt business. Who is going to tell these women the truth?

New Pig

Scientists claim they've found a new species of wild pig in the Brazilian jungle. I'm not exactly sure why it is news today, considering that the Dutch scientist who found it said he made the discovery in 2000. Anyway, according to the scientist:

I sensed there was something behind me and looked over my shoulder and saw three huge peccaries walking in a row," he said in an interview. "They came and disappeared like ghosts without making any sounds. That was atypical of peccaries, who always go around making lots of noise.

That description is a little overdramatized. I spent a week in the Peruvian jungle. Yes, peccaries are quite loud, and if these are quiet, that's pretty cool. However, your ears are not the first to detect their presence...your nose is. These things smell B-A-D. You smell them before you hear them. They travel in packs, and the smell is overpoweringly pungent. So how did the scientist get surprised when he looked over his shoulder to see a little peccary family? I've got to believe he smelled them first. The scientist is an interesting guy, though. He just spent 16 months in a Brazilian prison because he auctioned off the naming rights to some of the species he has discovered in the Amazon. The proceeds from the auctions are used to preserve the wild areas where they live. Kudos Dr. van Roosmalen.

Cowboy Up

Do ya' like Cowboy poetry podna? Well, the 24th annyal National Cowboy Poetry Gathering l'be Jan 26-Feb 2. in Elko, Nevada. You can now git yer tickets online. If yer a big spender, $155 l'git ya a ranch toor. But fer only $11, you can take a yodelin' workshop. Think I'm overdoing it? Maybe, but the official site says this:

...we look forward to pondering our individual role in shaping the West's future and also finding comfort in those things that are continuous - finding those solid horns to grab onto for the wild ride ahead.

I don't even know what that last part means. You will be comforted to know, however, that the site proclaims Mexicans are now welcome. A nice change of pace from the first 23 gatherings.

Maura Tierney

Remember when she was on Newsradio and was cute? I don't watch ER, but I just saw a preview while watching a good show, and she looks horrible. Fleshy faced and unhealthy. Maybe ER should hire Dave Foley. The show would certainly improve and maybe Maura would benefit from an occasional laugh.

Infotainment

NBC's top news anchor, Brian Williams, is hosting Saturday Night Live. When did we get to the point where the people we are relying on for accurate news reporting are appearing on variety comedy shows? No wonder we can't tell what's news and what's entertainment. Meanwhile, the truly entertaining Katie Couric is being de-personalized so she can deliver the news. We loved her before. Now that she's anchoring CBS news, she isn't allowed to be the person we liked. Why? Because she's a woman, and we can't take women seriously (apparently) unless they subvert their personalities and turn into robots. Yet Brian Williams can do bawdy skits on comedy shows.

Jesus Phone

More on Viagra and Deafness

I posted that I thought Viagra creating temporary deafness was a real problem. My girlfriend was surprised by that analysis. She thought that men would appreciate the deafness as a ready excuse to ignore the post-coital conversation. Funny that she thought of that and I didn't. I think I'll put up with the pillow talk if I can get some moaning.

How to give change

For all you cashiers, or want-to-be cashiers, out there, here is the proper way to give a customer change: 1. Put the coins in their hands first. 2. After they put the coins away, give them the dollar bills. 3. Then hand them the receipt. Think it takes too long? Try this summary procedure: 1. Put the coins in their hands first. 2. Put the dollars and the receipt on top. The customary way seems to be to give you the dollars and the receipt all bunched up (in very unorganized fashion), and then dropping the change on top. There are three errors with this procedure. First, the dollars can be at least handed over in an organized fashion so they are not facing every which way. Second, change should not be dropped into the customer's hand as if the customer has leprosy. If you are worried about touching someone, keep hand sanitizer handy. And third, coins slide around when they are on the top of dollars or receipts. The customer has to do a balancing act to keep the coins from sliding off. What should the customer do, create a little funnel with the dollar bills and pour the coins in a pocket or purse? On the other hand, coins in the hand can be cupped, and the hands are a no-slip surface. I can curl my fingers around the coins, put the dollars where they are supposed to go (wallet or purse compartment) and then put the change where it goes (pocket or purse).

Resort Life

I spent the weekend at Sandestin, one of the top resorts in the Southeast. I'm not a resort kind of person, and here are two reasons why: >There are signs in front of restaurants that say "Golf Cart Parking." >The resort guide in my hotel room referred to jellyfish as "marine pests."

Owie

Just saw a Tampax commercial for a new product: Tampax Cardboard. I'm not making it up. I'm not a woman, but wouldn't that be...uncomfortable? I found a cardboard box in the house and rubbed it. It hurt my fingers. And my fingers have been through a lot more than... Well, anyway. What's next, burlap bras?

Beowulf

Once the new Beowulf movie hits theaters, how many high school students are going to read the epic poem? One might argue that the explosions, violence and sexy Angelina Jolie might prompt an interest in reading the actual poem. That won't happen. The poem isn't delivered in splashy fashion. I suspect it will be hard for kids to see the parallels between the movie and poem. I also think it is unlikely that this generation of kids picks up a book after seeing a good movie about it. I cannot begrudge them for that. Whichever you see/read second, is the medium that is usually less satisfying. I have one exception: Gone With The Wind. I saw the movie first and read the book second, and the book was still infinitely better. Actually, Roots falls into that category as well. The real reason the Beowulf movie won't generate student interest in the poem? The poem isn't very interesting. It has historical significance, but it isn't a good read.

Industrial Food

"That's all the Indians ever wanted -- to keep their teepees, to give their kids herbs instead of patent medicines and leeches. They didn't care if there was a Washington, D.C., or a Custer or a USDA; just leave us alone. But the Western mind can't bear an opt-out option. We're going to have to refight the Battle of the Little Big Horn to preserve the right to opt out, or your grandchildren and mine will have no choice but to eat amalgamated, irradiated, genetically prostituted, barcoded, adulterated fecal spam from the centralized processing conglomerate." Joel Salatin Polyface Farms quoted in The Omnivore's Dilemma (p. 132), by Michael Pollan

House

House is a television program on Fox. I don't know what night it airs. I've only seen the previews. According to the web site:

DR. GREGORY HOUSE (Hugh Laurie) is devoid of bedside manner and wouldn’t even talk to his patients if he could get away with it. Dealing with his own constant physical pain, he uses a cane that seems to punctuate his acerbic, brutally honest demeanor. While his behavior can border on antisocial, House is a brilliant diagnostician whose unconventional thinking and flawless instincts afford him a great deal of respect. An infectious disease specialist, he thrives on the challenge of solving medical puzzles in order to save lives.

Why do people watch this show? The same doctor is solving all the most complex diseases. No other doctor in the world is getting any of these cases. And Dr. House is a total asshole to patients and co-workers. He regularly does things that would subject his hospital to enormous liability, and when he gets called out by the dean of medicine, he tells her to go to hell. He doesn't get fired. I also heard an interview on Fresh Air (NPR) with one of the show's creators, who admitted the show was a "formula" show, but that's what the people want. So maybe my rant should be against people who watch the show, and not the show itself. I don't like any form of entertainment that follows a formula. I would think the actors are probably embarrassed, but in my experience people making a lot of money at something are rarely embarrassed about how they are making it.

Viagra May Cause Deafness

The FDA is now concerned that Viagra may cause deafness as a side effect. This is a huge problem. What's the point of having sex if you can't hear the other person scream your name, moan or say things they would never say to your face in the light of day? Plus, nothing's a bigger turnoff for your special lady than you saying you need to turn your hearing aid to 11.

I Wish This Were A Joke

Brainwashing is back, and the participants are not selling flowers in the road medians. Welcome kids, to Jesus Camp. If you like Jesus Camp, see also Stephen King's "Children of the Corn."

What If God Was One of Us?

Houston is the New Jerusalem.

Jose de Jesus claims his last name is not mere coincidence. He actually is the second coming of Jesus. Yes, that Jesus. Strangely, he also says he is the Antichrist, and encourages followers to tattoo "666" on their arms.

He preaches that there is no sin, Hell, the devil or damnation. (At least he's right about something). Millions follow him. He smokes. He drinks booze, saying "Jesus drank wine because he didn't have Dewar's." But he draws the line at drugs and getting drunk. It isn't clear why, since he believes there is no sin. He doesn't believe murder is a sin; just a crime. God forbid you murder anyone while drunk, though.

Jose of Jesus was born in Puerto Rico, and like many other saviors, spent time in prison (theft and heroin). That gave him time to be reborn as a Christian, in the great tradition of scalliwags everywhere. But Jose didn't just become a man of God. He says he actually became God and his followers are a super race because they are free of false religions like Catholicism.

At last report his hands and feet are puncture free.

Someone ought to be working on setting up a miracle contest between Senors de Jesus and Torop.

Jesus the Traffic Cop

A Russian Man, Sergei Torop (pictured...thanks wiki), says he is Jesus Christ. Torop is 46 years old, and is a former traffic cop. He has approximately 5,000 followers. Torop lives on a mountaintop, and occasionally descends so his followers can worship him.

Luba Derbina, a former translator for the Red Cross, said "This is him. This is the one, the teacher I have been waiting for all my life. Yes, I believe he is Jesus Christ. I know it, like I know I'm breathing, and that's it." See the story here.

Needless to say, JC is not on board. "That guy is not me. Perhaps I'm stating the obvious. I look a lot more like Barry Gibb, and my eyes are green not blue."

At the present time, Christ says he has no plans to visit Torop. "Such a long journey. Who needs it? Plus, I've got people for that sort of thing."

CUFI Rapture

Christians United for Israel believes in the expansion of Israeli territory and military action against Iran. CUFI believes that it needs to preserve Israel, because Jesus will be returning to the holy land after sinners have been wiped from the Earth. The CUFI folks believe when Jesus comes back, the Jews will say "Oh, you guys were right after all. Jesus is the savior." Tom DeLay is a fan of the second coming and says he "hope(s) it comes tomorrow." Check out the video here: CUFI Conference. Jesus was unable to attend the conference, due to pressing matters in Spain, but provided a brief statement to reporters as he entered the Plaza del Toro.

I don't know what all this talk is about the second coming. I'm already here people! Nevertheless, I support CUFI's efforts to help Israel, because as I've whispered to Dick Cheney on several occasions, Iraq must be wiped out and the Holy Land must be preserved. I grew up in that region -- I have wonderful boyhood memories, at least until I was crucified. In the meantime, I would encourage everyone to check out a reasonable facsimile of the region at The Holy Land Experience in Orlando. Now if you will excuse me, I have one of God's creatures to stab.

Satanic Lesbians

In Spain, a judge has ruled that a lesbian mother must marry a man to keep her two children. According to the judge:

It is understood that (a parent’s)...belonging to a satanic sect...would negatively affect the children and serve as a reason for a change of custody. Well, it’s the same with homosexuality.

I didn't realize that. Several days earlier Jesus Christ was seen materializing in the Spanish capital of Madrid, on vacation from his regular duties of advising the American government. Christ denied putting words into Judge Calamito's mouth, but was heard to remark "es muy bueno" in rudimentary Spanish.