Bah, Humbug

Every Christmas at least one person says "Bah, Humbug" to me   I wanted to think more about that phrase.

So much of Christmas is about pretending.  Pretending to like the ugly sweater your aunt gave you.  Pretending that a carpenter who lived 2,000 years ago is the savior of man.  And so on.

So to me, Bah Humbug means "c'mon, pretend with us."  Fair enough.  I have no problem with that.  We all like to pretend. I believe, however, that you are only allotted so much pretending during the year.  Go over your allotment and someone will call you delusional and throw you in the kook house.  Given that allotment, I have to be careful about which things I pretend about, and when.  I simply choose to allocate my fantasies to other things during other times of the year.

Yet someone who says Bah, Humbug doesn't mean simply "c'mon, pretend with us."  The subtext is "you are threatening to introduce some reality into my fantasy, so stop it."  I like that.  I think it's funny.  I also think it is justified, because who wants their fantasies mucked up by someone who doesn't buy into them?

The phrase Bah, Humbug is of course Dickensian from A Christmas Carol (a fine story).  Although people today say it to someone they think is being Scrooge-like, in the story* it is Scrooge's catchphrase.  These days, Scrooge has morphed into a character who is primarily about disliking Christmas.  That's not a complete picture.  Scrooge is a rich old man, ungenerous to a fault, who does not care about other people.  One would have trouble imagining Scrooge making a charitable donation.  (Of course, they didn't have tax deductions for charitable contributions back then.)  These sorry traits come to a head around Christmas time in the novel, but he isn't just anti-Christmas.  He's anti-social and a miserable human being.  Or duck.

The Ghost of Christmas Future (technically the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come) is not showing Scrooge simply how unpleasant a future Christmas will be.  In fact, the guests at the party are having a good time.  The Ghost is showing him how others reflect on Scrooge's desolate life, arising from being miserly and shunning people who might otherwise care about you.  That is the moral of the novel.  He will be forgotten.  Or worse, laughed at because "Old Scratch has got his own at last, hey?"

I'm not totally anti-Christmas; it's hard to hate something that people you care about seem to love.  Nor am I any more anti-social than the rest of you.  I'm not miserly (or rich, for that matter).  And I'm not a miserable human being who doesn't care about other people.  So, "Bah, Humbug" doesn't really apply to me! 

I get your point, though.  Christmas is about "cheer" in one way or another.  As Dickens wrote in the frontispiece to A Christmas Carol:  "My purpose was, in a whimsical kind of masque which the good humor of the season justified, to awaken some living and forbearing thoughts, never out of season in a Christian land."  Theoretically, anyway.

I do think it is interesting that no one says Bah, Humbug to Jewish people -- at least not intentionally.  There's a certain respect there.  I'm curious why the same courtesy is not given to the anti-religious (or pantheists, which to me is the same thing).

____

*Many people think "A Christmas Carol" is a novel, but it is far shorter than 100 pages and the character development is not typical of a novel.  In fact, A Christmas Carol is just one of five Christmas stories that Dickens wrote.  The others are "The Chimes," "The Cricket On the Hearth," "The Battle of Life" and "The Haunted Man."  In some volumes they are together known as the "Christmas Books."

The Chimes is subtitled "A Goblin Story."  The Cricket on the Hearth is subtitled "A Fairy Tale of Home."  Maybe I'll read that one tonight.  The Battle of Life is subtitled "A Love Story."   And The Haunted Man has a subtitle that seems to continue the title: "And the Ghost's Bargain."

Put "Christ" Back in Christmas

I'm hearing this refrain a lot, moreso this year than in previous years.  Perhaps it is because Obama got elected and evangelists still think he's Muslim. 

But I whole-heartedly agree.  Christmas should have Christ in it.  Otherwise, it's just December 25 and an excuse to give presents.  Nevermind that Christ wasn't born on December 25.  We do the same thing with President's birthdays.  Fifty years from now you can celebrate Obama's national holiday on the first Monday in August, where it will be more convenient for employers than August 4 would be.

I would prefer Christmas if it retained even a modicum of integrity as a religious holiday.  Instead, most Christians choose it as one of the two days a year they will go to church, and they put up all kinds of religious imagery (like nativity scenes) without giving a thought to their religion.  In that sense, it's no different than every other day of their lives, where they claim belief and have no idea what any of it means. 

So if you are Christian, celebrate Christmas for what it is supposed to be.  Perhaps -- and I know this is going to sound crazy to most of you -- you should consider reading the Bible.  Not just the passages that you think support marriage as one man and one woman, but the whole damned thing.  It is, after all, what you claim to believe in. You can still do all the fun stuff too, but mayhap you should consider it more significant than an excuse to turn around the fortunes of the nation's retailers. 

I have only one question.  If I support putting Christ back into Christmas, can we take Christ out of the other 364.25 days of the year?

Christmas Presents

I've had enough with Christmas giving from parents, siblings and similar relations, and I mean that in two ways.

A:  I have received enough Christmas presents in the last (roughly) 40 years to last me a lifetime.  I don't need any more.

B:  In particular, I don't need a gift if you have no idea what to get me and are just buying it because you think you are supposed to.  If you think of something really interesting that I haven't thought of and I can't afford, bring it on.  Otherwise, let's not do it just to do it.

Something happens when you reach a certain age.  I'm not sure what age that is...somewhere in the late 30s.  You become so independent of your family that they have no idea what to buy you anymore, so they buy you the things you might have liked (maybe) 10 years ago.  Or they realize they don't know what to get you, and they ask you what you want.  Well, what's the point of buying me a present if I'm telling you what to buy me?  Then it's just a question of who is doing the shopping and who is spending the money. 

Why don't we just buy ourselves gifts instead of telling other people what we want and having them buy it? 

Now, I recognize an exception if the people you are asking have a lot more money than you and are willing to spend it on gifts.  Then you should ask.  And don't be shy.

However, many of us (if not most) will be more succesful than our parents, so what can we ask them for?  Everything they can afford is something we would have already bought for ourselves at some point during the year.  And what we really want is often something they cannot afford or would not know how to buy (e.g., anything involving technology).

Gift certificates are almost always nice, because they may prompt us to buy a luxury item, even if the gift certificate does not cover the entire cost.  If you get a $40 gift certificate to Best Buy and buy a camera, it's like getting a $40 discount.  That's a good gift.

Unfortunately family members, especially parents, are stubborn about gift certificates.  They don't like them because they want to buy you something "special."  This is delusional, because they no longer no what would be special.  And what's weird is, they know it!  They are just guessing, and hoping.  Or they ask you, which of course takes anything "special" out of the equation.

I think it's because they want to see your little face light up the way it did when you were 6 and got every toy you begged for during the year.  Hate me for it, but them days are gone daddy gone.

None of this means you cannot enjoy the holidays with your family.

If you must buy gifts for a parent, sibling, child (or similar), do what I do.  Pay attention during the year to what they want.  Keep a little list.  Then you don't have to ask what they want.  And unless it is fad-related and the fad has ended, they will be surprised that you bought them something they really want.  That's what makes people feel special.  If you wait until December, forget it and get a gift card. Otherwise, you are just faking it.

A post for another time, but I'm trying to decide which I like less:  Christmas shopping or buying people gifts for weddings I'm invited to but cannot attend.  I haven't done a proper analysis, but my money's on the latter.

Talking Thumbs

I never really thought about it until a couple of minutes ago, when I saw a Samsung commercial, but talking thumbs freak me out.

I'm not sure if it is because of the way the faces are morphed, with no chins (or endless chins), or that they look slightly insane, or if I just don't like to think about thumbs.  For some reason, I'm less disturbed by the black thumbs in the video.  I don't know what that means.

Also, this could really happen.  In the future.

I guess I should thank my lucky stars that they aren't big toes.

Special Sauce

Looking for the perfect Christmas gift?  Burger King to the rescue.

BK has introduced a scent -- "Flame" -- for sale at a New York City retailer.  It's in the form of a body spray and is described thusly: "The WHOPPER® sandwich is America’s Favorite burger. FLAME™ by BK® captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Yum.  Go to www.firemeetsdesire.com to see the BK marketing materials.  There's seductive music, complete with love talk from a Barry White-like voice, and depictions of various romantic settings in which you may find the product useful.

Don't be afraid to visit Rickys NYC's site either.  There are some "choice cuts" in the comments.  For instance, Tit-Wank writes: "...after using just all 5ml of this tiny tube I became irresistable[sic] to the plumper women in the area.  They flocked to me ripping off there[sic] clothes, rippling as they did so."

Or Mile High Club, who writes about his international flight:  "I had a seat next to a very hot foreign woman who spoke english as a second language. She asked me 'Excuse me? Can You move to a different seat? I cannot control my lust for your scent and need you to relocate before I do things to you that are illegal in my my country.'"

Rickys site even has the naked Burger King (with his frightening plastic head) on a bear skin rug.  Strangely, he's much less scary in this scenario than in commercials when he is lurking outside windows of houses.

The product retails for $3.99, but Rickys says it is sold out.

Jesus is Like a Pork Rind

Ewwwww. I think I liked him better when he was made of crackers and grape juice.  I wonder if the minister here also runs a barbecue restaurant.

This, by the way, is a tremendous argument in favor of the Holy Spirit in the "most popular of the trinity" contest.  At least the Holy Spirit is never anthropomorphic.  In fact, most people don't know what the hell it is, and that's a lot more consistent with rational thinking. 

Beast of Burden

Indeed. Fortunately it is 1/6th lighter than a full-fledged grudge.

Other things that are heavy things to carry:

dumbel
law boks
bull masiff
wide scren tv

Burdns all!

Most Offensive Album Covers, Pt. 5

There's a theme in this post.  First, we have The Black Crowe's album...the one with "Shake Your Money Maker."  Apropos.

Fortunately this flag is flying at half staff, but c'mon, you couldn't trim up for the photog?

And...has there ever been a less attractive famous couple that insisted on posing nude all the time?  This one was taken before either had visited Brazil.  

 

 Look at the upside.  At least there are no bloody decapitated babies in this one.

Most Offensive Album Covers, Pt. 4

This is The Rolling Stones "Sticky Fingers" album cover.  It's one of their best albums, but perhaps not the best choice of album covers.  You probably can't tell in this small photo, but there's an armadillo in his trousers.

I remember my friend's dad (across the street) was a Stones fan.  he had this album with a slightly different jacket.  There was an actual working zipper on his copy that you could move up and down.  I'm not sure why you'd want to do that.

Most Offensive Album Covers, Pt. 3

Blind Faith.  Sure it's another naked pre-pubescent girl, but this one's okay because she wants to be a pilot!

Gummy Brains

Yum!

The Book of Phil

Two Days Only

And no, they are NOT on sale.

Financial Advice From Jesus

Jesus, CFA, CFP, CPA

You've Got Two Choices...

...God, or Australia.

Attention Obama Administration

And if that doesn't work, try a surge.

Nutritional Advice from Jesus

Get it?

Most Offensive Album Covers, Pt. 2

I pretty much gave away the best stuff in part 1, but I think this one is shocking in a completely different way:

 

Two reasons this is horrifying.  The first needs no explanation.  There are assorted baby parts, including decapitated baby heads, covered in blood, strewn about the photo.  Second, it's the freakin' Beatles!  The loveable lads from Liverpool.  So charming and sweet.

What in holy hell were they thinking with this cover?  According to Wiki, this was John's doing and the album was immediately recalled after being on sale for only a day. John thought it was no worse than Vietnam, but then, Vietnam was not an album cover.

Some of the recalled albums were trashed.  Others had a new cover stickered over this horrifying mess.

This album was released in June 1966, and it made me wonder if any of them were parents at this time.  The answer?  Yes!  Julian Lennon was born in 1963.  Of course, John really wanted nothing to do with Julian.  He went on vacation three days after Julian was born, without having even seen the boy.  Julian has said there are more pictures of Julian playing with Paul McCartney than Julian playing with his da.

McCartney did not have a child until 1968, but in 1962, long before this album was released, his fiancee had a miscarriage.

Ringo just had his first child 8 months before this cover was released.

Weird.

Most Offensive Album Covers, Pt. 1

A Facebook friend posted a status message that was a quote from The Scorpions "Rock You Like A Hurricane."  I remember seeing The Scorpions in concert in 1985 (maybe), so I was poking around on the Web seeing what they've been up to.  I happened to run across a couple of their album covers from the late '70s and the '80s, and I was pretty shocked by what they got away with.

I remember the "Love At First Sting" cover, with the man lifting the woman's leg and practically doing her standing up.  But her clothes were on and it was mostly implied.  Check out this one, though:

 

The Lovedrive cover from 1979. I think that's supposed to be bubblegum, or taffy, but it looks like something more solid and suggestive when viewed at this tiny size.  Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

In the tamer but more degrading category we have:

Animal Magnetism, circa 1980.  I don't know for sure, but I think this may be the inspiration for the album cover suggested in Rob Reiner's comedy This is Spinal Tap.

In the movie, the album is called "Smell the Glove." The record exec (Bobbi Fleckman, played by Fran Drescher long before The Nanny) describes the cover as "You put a greased naked woman on all fours, with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out, holding onto the leash and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it."

When informed that K-Mart would not carry the album because of the sexist cover, Nigel says "What's wrong with sexy?" Upon learning there's a difference between "sexist" and "sexy", the boys deliver the famous line: "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever."

But The Scorpions were much naughtier than this.  We didn't get to see this next one in America (for a reason that's about to become obvious), but the original "Virgin Killer" LP had this cover:

 

Yep.  That's a pre-pubescent girl, completely naked, in a provocative pose, with a strategically placed graphic star twinkle.  And the album is called "Virgin Killer." This is just post #1 of the Most Offensive Album Cover posts, but honestly, I can't believe I'm going to find anything worse than this.

Second Radiohead Mix

I posted a second mix (the Betrayer mix) which is quite a bit different than the first.  This one messes with the vocals more (hence the Betrayal).

Radiohead Reckoner Remix

A few months ago, Radiohead released the individual instrument tracks for "Nude" and invited folks to remix it.  Now they have done the same for "Reckoner."

The whole thing is designed for Garage Band (and funneled through iTunes), but with a little computer magic, you can do a remix on your PC too.

The widget for one of mine is above. It focuses more on Yorke's voice, and dirties-up the guitar parts. 

Buckets and their Use

Infomercials make some of the most ridiculous and stupid statements you'll find anywhere.  Always has been that way,  and always will.

But today, I heard what I deem to be the dumbest statement I've ever heard on an infomercial, or perhaps on television generally (not sure about that, because they say some stupid shit on local news).  The product was the SteamMop.  The obnoxious male salesperson said that filling up the SteamMop was "1,000 times easier than using a bucket."

How can anything be easier than using a bucket?  That's like saying something is easier to eat off of than a plate. 

But even if I could think of filling this vessel as somehow being easier than filling up a bucket, I don't know how it could be 1,000 times easier.  I mean, almost every object I can think of is at least 1.1 times more difficult to use than a bucket. 

Plus, how you would measure such a thing?  It can't be a physical measurement, like the difference between the exertion required to fill a bucket and the exertion required to fill the SteamMop.  Both require turning the water on, and then carrying the vessel holding the water.

Perhaps it is a mental measurement?  Maybe scientists hired by the SteamMop company hired 1,000 extraordinarily stupid people, each of whom is uniquely stupid on a sliding scale from merely stupid to so incredibly stupid that they barely rise above the cellular level.  In the experiments, all 1,000 were able to use the SteamMop-- even the near-paramecia -- but only the smartest of the stupid people was able to use a bucket.  And there you have it.  The SteamMop is 1,000 times easier. 

You think such an experiment is impossible?  I doubt it.  You could probably find people on the west side of Jacksonville who would fit each of those 1,000 slots.  And it wouldn't cost the company much.  You could promise them a million dollars each, but if they are all challenged by buckets, you could certainly find a way not to pay them.  Might even be able to get them to pay you.

Laundry Packaging

For years (20 or more) laundry detergent came in a big plastic container of more than 100 ounces and it weighed about five pounds.  It took up a lot of space in a grocery cart, and was a pain to lug in from the car, despite the convenient handle.  It was better than a big box of powder, though, like my grandparents had to use.  Plus, if you carried it around the grocery store instead of using a cart, and alternated hands, you could get a decent arm workout.

Then came the 2x concentration innovation, which reduced the packaging and weight by more than half.  In my estimation, this lasted about 6 months.  Or perhaps I didn't do much laundry during this period.

In the last three months we've gotten 3x concentration, reducing the packaging further.  Problem is, my detergent container now looks exactly like my fabric softener container.  This isn't just the detergent's fault.  The fabric softener now comes in a white package instead of blue.  I just poured laundry liquid into my Downy Ball, and I can't figure out how to get it out of there, or how much I've used, since I can't measure it with the laundry cap.

C'mon people, I'm a guy.  I can barely do laundry at all, and now you are giving me detergent and fabric softener in the same sized, shaped and colored containers?

I suggest a compromise between the environmental benefits of smaller packaging and the male confusion resulting from same.  Go back to 2x concentrate on the detergent, and put the fabric softener in blue containers.  It cuts the old packaging materials in half, but is big enough to avoid Downy Ball blunders.

Top 10 Wimpy Hurricane Names (Prospective)

The National Hurricane Center sets the names for tropical storms (and potential hurricanes) in the North Atlantic.  They have a list of names through 2013 at the moment.  Here are the top 10 wimpiest names for current or upcoming storms:

10.  Colin -  Nothing with a British name is scary.  Hurricane Clive, anyone?

9.    Gert - Gertrude is weak; Gert is weaker.  Plus, it sounds like a short belch.

8.    Cindy - Sweet smile and adorable curls. Please don't hurt me with your gale force winds.  I had a girlfriend named Cindy, and she was no hurricane.

7.    Wendy - Is this a pun from the Nat'l Hurricane Center?  Like Hurricane Gail?  Hurricane names shouldn't be funny. 

6.    Virginie - Virgin-ey?  I'm not scared of that.

5.    Dolly - Dolly Madison decorated the White House; then had snack cakes named after her.

4.    Henri - Note, this is not Henry, as in Henry VIII, the powerful monarch.  It is Henri.  French pronunciation.

3.    Nana - That's a nickname for a grandmother, not a storm.  Will the storm give me a dollar for Christmas?

2.    Fay - Rhymes with gay.

1.    Van - I guess the storm will attack us with its polo collar up.

Crappy Words of the Week

"Ethnic cleansing" (and "purification").  Thanks Russia!

Suicide Foods

I have always been tremendously entertained (in a sort of sick way) by those signs you see at BBQ joints with the cartoon pig happily holding a knife and fork, inviting you to c'mon in and carve up his flesh.

Now, there's a blog that captures those kinds of roadside images in one place, and provides both witty and insightful commentary on the phenomenon.  Suicide Food.  Makes you laugh and makes you think.

The author gives "noose ratings" to the roadside signs. I know you'll be curious, but you really don't want to see the ones with a 5 rating.  They aren't funny...just disgusting.

This Mardi Gras one rates 3 nooses, and is probably my favorite.

But you also don't want to miss an entire category of meat signs where sex is injected (ack!) into the image to make you even hungrier. An example:

Is It The Bear's Fault?

An 8-year old boy hiking with his father in the Great Smokies was attacked by an 86 pound black bear. There was no evidence the boy taunted or threatened the bear, but the bear tossed him around a bit, giving the boy some cuts, bruises and a tremendous scare.

The boy's father chased the bear off by pelting it with rocks and sticks.

All very unfortunate, but luckily, the child is largely unharmed. And he has a great story to tell.

Here's the problem: "Park rangers caught a young bear soon afterward in the same area and killed it when it charged them. Smokies spokeswoman Nancy Gray said rangers were sure it was the same bear."

Why was the bear killed? "Park officials said the attack along the popular Rainbow Falls trail was unprovoked. In most cases, bears attack people while trying to poach their food, but none was present during the attack Monday. John Pala said their clothes might have smelled like fried chicken from a meal an hour earlier."

Doesn't the bear have as much right to those woods as the people do? From our perspective it may appear to be unprovoked, but from the bear's perspective? We are encroaching on his territory.

Why can't human beings just say, "Wow, that's scary. I better look out for bears in the Smokies." No kidding.

Why is the answer that we have to destroy the animal, who was doing what only came naturally to it? Neither the boy nor the father were seriously harmed.

Is it because we have to punish the bear for daring to try and harm a person, particularly a child? Or is it because we want to establish our dominion over the Smokey Mountains, ensuring that others can traipse around in the woods without fearing anything from wildlife?

I think it's both. People are happy to walk in the woods where squirrels scramble around, birds chirp and deer panic at the crack of a twig. God forbid they see real honest to goodness wild animals in the woods. That's what zoos are for, right?

Let's not forget that bears don't eat people. While Black Bears are technically carnivores, their subsistence is largely plant based: twigs, buds, leaves, nuts, fruit, berries and honey; supplemented by insects, fish and small vertebrates. Bears attack people because they have become familiar with people, and the food they carry around. That seems as much our fault as the bears'.

By the way, this must have been a relatively young, or starving bear, because an 86 pound Black Bear is not very big at all. According to the National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Mammals, Black Bears average between 203-587 pounds. In fact, he probably weighed little more than the 8 year old boy he attacked.

Exonerees

Walter Swift was convicted of rape in 1982 and sent to prison. This year, he was exonerated by DNA evidence. Twenty-six years of imprisonment. He couldn't get paroled, because to get parole, you have to admit guilt. He refused to do that.

Should he have admitted guilt just to get out? No way. He didn't commit the crime.

Guess what. Swift is African-American. The victim was a white woman -- pregnant. She described the rapist as a black man between 15 and 18 years old, with unusual braids and “poofs of hair” on his head. She said he had no facial hair.

Looking through mug books, the victim selected the photos of seven men who she said resembled the assailant. The police officer handling the case randomly decided that the next person selected would be brought in for a live lineup.

And that's where Walter enters the picture. Although he was several years older than the alleged assailant, and had a black eye, mustache, sideburns and closely cropped hair (no braids), he was identified in the lineup. The jury never heard the discrepancies between the victim's description and who she selected in the lineup.

I guess they all look alike.

Twenty-six years later, he is free. With nothing. The State of Michigan provides no assistance when someone is exonerated. They actually get less assistance than convictees get after their release. Exonerees are abandoned. No money. No job. No home. Not even a basic ID card.

To say nothing of adjusting to the real world. Do you think maybe the world is different in 2008 than in 1982? In 1982, no one even used a personal computer.

Swift had to go to Ireland with a benefactor who helped him raise enough money to get started. There is now a support web site at www.walterswift.com.

For more about this story, and others like it, see The Innocence Project, from which much of the info in this post was gleaned (along with an NPR story).

Chinese Smog and Censorship

Apparently Beijing is so polluted, there's a concern about athletes not giving peak performances. This primarily affects the endurance runs, swims and biking. Athletes will be wearing protective masks until the races begin.

The possible solution? Seeding the clouds. That's right. Sending a plane up to mess with nature, produce some rain and wash away the pollution temporarily. This isn't so much to protect the lungs of the athletes. It's to make sure we get good television. Apparently when the Olympics aren't there, no one is working on the pollution problem. God forbid we lose a few televised sporting events, though. Let's get science to work on that.

***

Meanwhile, it has come to light that China will be censoring some journalistic reports during the Olympics, if the reports include information extraneous to the Games. Originally journalists were told they could report on the Games and any other issues in China without interference (i.e., clearance from the government).

The IOC says they didn't have the power to tell China what to censor and what not to censor. Why not? It's the Olympic Games. Either China wants to host them, or they don't. A likely explanation is that the IOC had leverage on China when the whole thing was being set up, but now that we are to the point where the IOC can't change locations, China decided it had the leverage.

Whoever selected Beijing as the site should have taken these factors into account.

Hollywood Publicists

What a strange job, acting as publicist for a Hollywood star. Recent reports are that the actress Scarlett Johansson (co-star of one of my favorite movies "Ghost World") is marrying some actor from Canada I've never heard of. The news story contained one brief quote: "They're both thrilled," Johansson's rep Marcel Pariseau told People Magazine. Did Marcel sit up all night thinking "What am I going to say if they ask me about the marriage? It has to be something really good. But short. Simple. And sweet. What would Scarlett say if she were answering the question directly, which of course she is totally unable to do. I've got it: 'They are very happy'. Nah. Too boring. 'Thrilled' is better. Or 'absolutely thrilled'...eh, maybe that's too much. It's a Hollywood romance. It can't be that thrilling, and it will be over soon. Think I'll stick with 'thrilled'. Got to remember to say 'both thrilled' though. Don't want anyone thinking that one is thrilled and the other is merely happy. That would be too much like the Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton romance, and we don't want to be associated with that, especially after Scarlett's character went down on Billy Bob during that car scene in 'Man Without A Face', which resulted in her character's untimely death. We don't want anyone to die here." Apparently, after having her wisdom teeth removed Scarlett dipped one of the removed teeth in gold and gave it to her now fiancee as a birthday necklace. Wonder what Marcel had to say about that one?

Can't A Guy Catch a Break?

We finally have an African-American man with a genuine shot at the presidency, and what happens? He's getting shot down by his own pastor, who is also black. Is this just another example of black-on-black crime? I don't think so. I don't think it is his pastor who has the gun. It is the media, again. SO WHAT if his former pastor is an ardent racist, supports Farrakhan and considers America a terrorist government? Has anyone ever had a friend or associate who does not think exactly like they do? Of course. But on the public stage, Obama is spending all his speaking time distancing himself from the Reverend Wright, even though he is his former pastor and is not formally part of the Obama campaign. Perhaps I'm missing something in the pastor-parishioner relationship. Are all parishioners associated with the private thoughts of their pastors? Is the same true in academia? Are all students who get an "A" in a particular class associated with the private beliefs of their professors? Not that I know of. If all parishioners are associated with the private thoughts of their pastors, there are a large number of people from Catholic congregations who are associated with some pretty naughty priestly habits. Obama has sophisticated campaign strategists, and they finally told him to get pissed off, and cut all ties with Wright. I wish he would add "I cannot be any more emphatic. And I will not waste more precious time during this campaign, or the presidential campaign addressing the thoughts of a man who does not represent my views. Period." And then, actually follow through, by NOT answering any more questions. Ignore them. The problem, of course, is that America has to be told something five times before it starts to sink in. If then. There were people in Indiana interviewed last week who were still concerned about Obama being a Muslim. A year from now, they will probably think Obama believes the U.S. government will use AIDs to wipe out the U.S. minority population.

What is News?

Specifically, what is sports news? ESPN's sportscenter this morning has a story about Brett Favre. Nothing surprising, except he has retired, and they keep asking him if he is still retired. But the real news story? He's going to be on the cover of EA Sports Madden '09. How is this news? When Pete Rose was on the Wheaties box, did the 6:00 news report it? There's too much t.v. programming. I imagine its rather difficult to fill all that time, so I shouldn't be surprised. But 300 channels, 24 hours a day. That's a lot of space to fill. Hence the dime-a-dozen sitcoms, the non-news news stories, the liberal-conservative pundits fighting each other, the non-journalist pundits telling us what to think, and the dominance of Law and Order and CIS and their abundant spinoffs.

Crappy Word of the Week

Edutainment. Also in this category, infotainment, dramedy and docudrama.

British Sea Power and Film School

On Saturday I went to a show at a local club featuring a local opener, Film School and British Sea Power. I went for BSP, because I really like their Open Season CD, particularly "It Ended On An Oily Stage." BSP didn't play much from that CD, focusing more on the new release "Do You Like Rock Music?" That CD is okay...it's better live than in studio. In my view, though, it doesn't have the British sound that I liked on Open Season. Interestingly, BSP is fairly subdued playing their set, but at the end, they went crazy for 1/2 an hour, throwing guitars, smashing everything, picking each other up, screaming, wailing on guitars...all like a punk act. I found it interesting for five minutes. And then, eardrums bleeding at 2 a.m. I thought, why am I paying for these guys to enjoy themselves on stage, when they aren't actually "creating" anything for the audience. Just not my thing, I guess. The surprise was Film School. This is a revamped version of the band. According to the keyboard player (Jason), only Jason and the lead singer Greg are original members. The lead guitarist (Dave), drummer (James) and bass player (Lorelei, who is very attractive guys) recently joined the band. You'd never know it, though. They were sharp and energetic, with subdued dream pop vocals, but heavy guitar thrashes. There's a lesson in live music here. You've got a hot group like BSP, that everyone turns out to see (sea?) and you end up finding something new. In fact, after the energetic Film School set, BSP seemed tame...at least until the self-indulgent madness at the end. Their run with BSP is coming to an end in the Southern leg of BSP's tour, but Jason said the band decided to continue touring on its own while it has momentum. Highly recommended. See their MySpace page for tour dates.

Tina Fey Is Hot

Need I say more?

Labelwhore

No, I'm not talking about the Blogger labels feature. From Folio Weekly in Jacksonville, Florida, came this item:

Making artistic, themed scrapbooks is a $2.6 billion industry in the U.S. (nearly one-fifth as large as the adult-video industry) and has a "Hall of Fame" as protective of its morals as baseball's, which has shunned gamblers and steroid users. According to a January Wall Street Journal report, one "superstar" scrapbooker, Kristina Contes, was recently kicked out of the hall for violating etiquette by displaying another's photo inside her scrapbook in a competition. Contes said the oversight was inadvertent but that she is now shunned within the community for her grave offense and is called "labelwhore."

What do you say to that? I actually think the scrapbooking industry is worse for America than adult-videos (assuming they don't involve children, which I would not endorse in any form). Scrapbooking is another of those seemingly-sweet American institutions, like cheerleading or Little League baseball, that spouts a bunch of draconian rules because basically, people like to tell other people what to do and think. Now I wouldn't consider scrapbooking "art" no matter what...not my thing. But it isn't my job to tell people what constitutes "art" and what doesn't. I don't think Thomas Kinkaid makes art either, but millions of people disagree. Fine. But I'm SURE it doesn't qualify as art if the governing body tells you what you can and cannot do with your art.

Rainbow

So every once and awhile I decide to listen to some old music that I never otherwise hear or think of. I thought about posting a review of an old album I have by Rainbow, called "Straight Between the Eyes." Instead I decided I would just pick a few Rainbow songs from their catalog, and talk about them. Background Ritchie Blackmore was the guitarist for Deep Purple (y'know, Smoke on the Water?) but decided to start his own band. He recruited Ronnie James Dio as the lead singer, and they stepped into the metal/fantasy genre. Dio would later front Black Sabbath before having a solo career. Along the way Rainbow picked up a few other Deep Purple alumni, like bassist Roger Glover. Dio gets fed up with Blackmore in about three years, and Blackmore brings on board another guy who only lasted a year. Then came Joe Lynn Turner, who could really sing, but was more mainstream. Eventually the albums stopped selling and they went their own ways. Man on the Silver Mountain (1976): B+ This classic rock track is on the first album, called "Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow," and it's the first track. For my money it's the best of the Dio tracks. Plus, it has a great opening chord riff that is perfectly reminiscent of Deep Purple. You wouldn't know the difference, until Dio starts singing. Later, in Sabbath and on his own, he is more of a screamer. Here, he is a vocalist. Lyrics are nothing special, but since they are well-sung they come off okay:

[Excerpt] I'm a wheel, I'm a wheel I can roll, I can feel And you can't stop me turning

• Vocals: A-
• Guitar: A
• Bass: B
• Drums: B
• Keyboards: n/a
• Solos: B
• Arrangement: B
• Lyrics: C+

Long Live Rock and Roll (1978): C- Off the fourth album with the same name as the song. Generally, I don't like songs with the words "Rock and Roll" in the title. They sound like cheap party songs designed to hook the generic fan. This track goes one step further and has a guitar riff that echoes Dio's voice when he sings the chorus. I nearly always find that unsatisfying, because again, it's just too hooky. The chorus repeats...over and over and over. The drums sound like they were recorded in a garage. Dio is screaming more here, like an arena rock frontman. And he sounds out of breath. A couple of times he sounds almost like he's talking, fast and loud. Lyrics are a snore:

[Excerpt] In a different time When the words didn't rhyme You could never quite be sure Then on with the change It was simple but strange And you knew the feeling seemed to say it all

• Vocals: C
• Guitar: C
• Bass: B-
• Drums: C
• Keyboards: n/a
• Solos: C
• Arrangement: D
• Lyrics: D

I Surrender (1980): C Joe Lynn Turner's debut on vocals. I'm skipping the interim guys. This particular song sounds a lot like a Foreigner knock off, with a much worse chorus. It sounds like Foreigner if Foreigner spent all its time wondering what it would look like in a music video. The verses are alright, though undistinguishable from 1,000 other rock songs during this time period. Turner sounds good, but there's only so much he can do with a chorus that requires him to sing "I surrender" and "I remember" with background singers echoing him. Definitely detracts from the song having any hard edge. On the chorus, he's straining. I don't think his voice is ready yet. The guitar solo has very little distortion. The drum occasionally has one of those clap/bullwhip cracks for punch. Yuck. They are clearly trying to sell records. No wonder they didn't. This doesn't sound like a hard rock band. Would Michael Bolton sing these lyrics?:

[Excerpt] I surrender to your heart babe Do anything that you want me to do Please be tender I'm in your hands girl This is a feeling I never knew

• Vocals: B
• Guitar: C-
• Bass: B
• Drums: C+
• Keyboards: D
• Solos: D
• Arrangement: C+
• Lyrics: D

Death Alley Driver (1982): B This song and the next one are on "Straight Between the Eyes," an album I bought in 1982. I'm guessing these songs will get decent reviews, because I liked them at the time. Then again, they might not hold up. This song begins with the cliche of some race car sounds. Then the snare kicks in, uptempo, followed by a chopping guitar. Turner bursts in, and now his voice is in full form. You can't miss the energy in this song. The pre-chorus is weak, but the rest of the song propels along like...a....real...rock...band! The solo sounds like a less distorted Iron Maiden riff, without the second guitar. Blackmore showing off his chops, especially in the second half of the solo. He's no Dave Murray (of Iron Maiden) in this song, but it's worth listening to. Unfortunately, it is followed by a distorted keyboard solo. They are rock lyrics, but they work...though there's the dreaded "rock and roll" reference. Points deducted for that:

[Excerpt] Rough and ready rider in a supersonic sound machine Rock and Roll survivor Chrome pipes between your knees

• Vocals: B+
• Guitar: B+
• Bass: B
• Drums: B
• Keyboards: C
• Solos: B+
• Arrangement: B+
• Lyrics: B-

Stone Cold (1982): B+ This got play on the radio, which is how I ended up with the LP. It is a slower song. I wouldn't exactly call it a rock ballad, because that conjures up some cheap bands like Winger and Wasp. It's more dark and brooding than that. It has a heavy keyboard part, but it actually adds to the dark mood instead of dominating the song. The pieces all work together very well, with no one part trying to steal the show. The guitar has a chorus effect, and there are a few fills that add a little "haunting" to the song. Turner sounds a little like Paul Stanley (Kiss) in the pre-chorus but then he actually shows us the real stuff in the chorus. The solo doesn't sound like Blackmore at all...nothing like in Death Alley Driver. Again, a little Mick Jones (Foreigner) here, with more technical skill. Maybe a little Neal Schon (Journey...don't laugh...Schon could really play). He also has a nice solo in the outro under the lyrics Lyrics are much improved. Simply put, this song still works. I enjoyed listening to this again. This is when their album sales declined? Crazy!

[Excerpt] Your words like ice fall on the ground Breaking the silence without a sound Oh familiar strangers with nothing to say Searching in the darkness

• Vocals: B+
• Guitar: B
• Bass: B
• Drums: B
• Keyboards: B
• Solos: A-
• Arrangement: A
• Lyrics: B

Street of Dreams (1983): C Still Joe Lynn Turner, but this would be the band's last album. It sounds like it would have played perfectly on the previous LP, except the keyboards are front and center, dominating the intro. You'd have to really listen to find the guitar. This album is very produced, which is not a good thing. This is an MTV album. Turner still sings pretty well, but it's all cleaned up and softened, for more appeal to the masses. They are trying to find the money, and in the process, making themselves like every other rock band in 1983. I had a brief Icehouse flashback during the second verse! Icehouse wasn't half bad at what it was trying to do, but Rainbow doing it? Unh-unh. I don't think so. At least the solo has a guitar in it. I expected a little more inspiration from the solo, considering that instrument does absolutely nothing else in the song. Instead, it is a filler solo, there because rock songs are supposed to have solos. Lyrics are average for this kind of band. Rainbow's end.

[Excerpt] There you stood a distant memory So good like we never parted Said to myself I knew you'd set me free And here we are right back where we started

• Vocals: B
• Guitar: C- (tempted to put n/a)
• Bass: B-
• Drums: C
• Keyboards: C-
• Solos: C-
• Arrangement: C+
• Lyrics: B-

Easter Bunnies and Christmas Clauses

Having reflected on Easter, I'm even more confused than before.

Yes, it is ridiculous (except in a mythological sense) that Jesus rose from the grave, etc. etc., though not any more ridiculous than his status as the son of god.

But how did the Easter Bunny get in the mix? The same could be said for Santa.

Here's the answer. Even for Christians, the religious significance of the holidays is not enough to get their attention. Instead, they need gifts, and painted eggs, and fattened live beings (whether human or hare) to make those days matter. Christmas and Easter aren't a good sell if the only message is the birth of Christ and his resurrection.

What Christmas and Easter needed were a good ad man. Something hooky. Something to get people interested. Most religious people know very little about their religion anyway. They know they are supposed to go to church. They know that even if they don't go to church, they should go on Christmas and Easter. Makes them feel good...saves them from an eternity in Hell.

Or maybe I'm not giving Christianity enough credit. (I know, it's hard to believe). Perhaps they are more devious and they know they'll get people hooked on Christianity by the attractiveness of Santa and the Easter Bunny. People will become Christians without even knowing it! Brilliant.

Don't get me wrong. I like painting eggs. I like hiding them, and when I was a kid, I liked finding them. I like candy. I definitely like presents (both giving and receiving). I do not, however, pretend that I'm doing something else on those days, or that there aren't 363.25 other days of the year that I could do those things instead.

Also, I find giant bunnies a little scary. Not as scary as clowns, but scary nonetheless.

Topic: "Donnie Darko" did for rabbits what "It" did for clowns.

Vagina Lollipops

No, I'm not talking about candy sold at an "adult" store. I'm talking about the vagina-shaped lollipops used to promote productions of The Vagina Monologues at the graduate school where I teach. I don't know what flavor they are. It seemed like a bad idea for a male professor to take one, even though they are free, and I haven't mustered the guts to ask someone else. I'm guessing chocolate, as that is the only flavor I found in a web search...a Google that, because it was performed on my work computer, will probably be misinterpreted and will get me fired. I'm not that skittish about these things, so I don't think there is an inner prude emerging from my soul. I was just...surprised (and perhaps, curious?). Anyway, I'm just wondering if the promotion of the event really needs to be taken this far. The brochures already have the "V" represented by a woman lying on her back with her legs spread in a "v" shape. The word vagina is in the title. We pretty much get the gist of what's going on. This post is not meant as a commentary on the play itself. I've never even seen the play, though I've read the script...long story. I just think the promotion is a little odd. Can you imagine a play ("Penis Prologues" or "Cock Chronicles"), at a graduate school, where the promotional items included a phallus-shaped lollipop? They'd be heaped on a bonfire, and the news media would be invited to attend. And no, I did not do a web search for those! I say do the play, but let the play speak for itself. Incidentally, apparently not every woman is so enamored with the play, as illustrated in this guide describing how to hate on V-Day.

Cruelty to Animals

This story makes me sick: Pro Golfer Kills Hawk A red-shouldered hawk, squawking in the background of an important golf instructional video? Let's kill it! This was no accident. The golfer lined up a number of balls and started hitting them in the hawk's direction. When one went close to the hawk, he got excited, so he kept trying. He's a pro golfer. He can hit things with a golf ball if he tries enough times. And he did. He whacked the hawk, who lay bleeding from the nostrils. The hawk, doing nothing but what nature commands, is martyred for a golf instructional video! Fuck golf! Say it three times fast.

Elective Surgery

Having never had surgery, and being scared to friggin' death of it, I don't understand elective surgery. Until now. Pop star Kelly Rowland had plastic surgery to bring her "from an A-cup to a B-cup." According to Rowland: "I was sick of not fitting into tops. There was this one really hot House of Dereon top - I just wanted to fill that out." I would write more about this, but I'm on hold with a plastic surgeon. I'm thinking about buttock augmentation, because I saw some really cute jeans at The Gap.

Bush Knows Me Well

Our president actually said this yesterday:

"When I say I'm confident [about a Republican winning the presidency in 2008], I am so because I understand the mentality of the American people," Bush said. "

Insert choking sounds here.

Whopper Freakout

I actually visited www.whopperfreakout.com. I'm not proud of it. Why did I do it? Two reasons, really. First, I wanted to see if it was real, or if it was just something funny to say on the commercial. Second, I'm so happy NOT to see the creepy Burger King on the commercials, I was in some sort of euphoric state that clouded my judgment. I didn't stay long. Does that make it better? It's just a collection of commercials showing people getting upset about the Whopper not being available. What I like about the commercials is how seriously people take it. To me, that's not a commentary on how good Whoppers are. It's a commentary on Americans.

NFL Strutters

I'm watching the Giants/Packers NFC Championship game. The field is frozen. Eli Manning completed a first down pass to Plaxico Burress. A nice play. Burress was hit very hard by a defensive back for the Packers...name of Bigby (not a star). Bigby got up and celebrated like they were on the way to the Super Bowl. Hey, Bigby. You got beat. Burress caught the ball. First down. First downs are bad for your team. Idiot.

Terry Vereen Plumbing

I live three blocks from a plumbing establishment. Their headquarters are at the edge of an old neighborhood in town. They keep a business fleet of 15 or so trucks and vans on their property. Every day, at "quittin' time," these 15 trucks and vans come barreling down the residential streets at about 45 miles per hour, accelerating as fast as possible from stop signs. It's like a bunch of rednecks filled with Bud on New Year's Eve. Every day! You think maybe they are in a hurry to get home? Nope. When they reach headquarters, they stand around in the parking lot talking to each other. Must be some conversation. I bet Terry loses a lot of neighborhood business. If I needed a plumber, I'd call someone further away.