Put "Christ" Back in Christmas

I'm hearing this refrain a lot, moreso this year than in previous years.  Perhaps it is because Obama got elected and evangelists still think he's Muslim. 

But I whole-heartedly agree.  Christmas should have Christ in it.  Otherwise, it's just December 25 and an excuse to give presents.  Nevermind that Christ wasn't born on December 25.  We do the same thing with President's birthdays.  Fifty years from now you can celebrate Obama's national holiday on the first Monday in August, where it will be more convenient for employers than August 4 would be.

I would prefer Christmas if it retained even a modicum of integrity as a religious holiday.  Instead, most Christians choose it as one of the two days a year they will go to church, and they put up all kinds of religious imagery (like nativity scenes) without giving a thought to their religion.  In that sense, it's no different than every other day of their lives, where they claim belief and have no idea what any of it means. 

So if you are Christian, celebrate Christmas for what it is supposed to be.  Perhaps -- and I know this is going to sound crazy to most of you -- you should consider reading the Bible.  Not just the passages that you think support marriage as one man and one woman, but the whole damned thing.  It is, after all, what you claim to believe in. You can still do all the fun stuff too, but mayhap you should consider it more significant than an excuse to turn around the fortunes of the nation's retailers. 

I have only one question.  If I support putting Christ back into Christmas, can we take Christ out of the other 364.25 days of the year?

Jesus is Like a Pork Rind

Ewwwww. I think I liked him better when he was made of crackers and grape juice.  I wonder if the minister here also runs a barbecue restaurant.

This, by the way, is a tremendous argument in favor of the Holy Spirit in the "most popular of the trinity" contest.  At least the Holy Spirit is never anthropomorphic.  In fact, most people don't know what the hell it is, and that's a lot more consistent with rational thinking. 

Beast of Burden

Indeed. Fortunately it is 1/6th lighter than a full-fledged grudge.

Other things that are heavy things to carry:

dumbel
law boks
bull masiff
wide scren tv

Burdns all!

Gummy Brains

Yum!

The Book of Phil

Two Days Only

And no, they are NOT on sale.

Financial Advice From Jesus

Jesus, CFA, CFP, CPA

You've Got Two Choices...

...God, or Australia.

Attention Obama Administration

And if that doesn't work, try a surge.

Nutritional Advice from Jesus

Get it?

Easter Bunnies and Christmas Clauses

Having reflected on Easter, I'm even more confused than before.

Yes, it is ridiculous (except in a mythological sense) that Jesus rose from the grave, etc. etc., though not any more ridiculous than his status as the son of god.

But how did the Easter Bunny get in the mix? The same could be said for Santa.

Here's the answer. Even for Christians, the religious significance of the holidays is not enough to get their attention. Instead, they need gifts, and painted eggs, and fattened live beings (whether human or hare) to make those days matter. Christmas and Easter aren't a good sell if the only message is the birth of Christ and his resurrection.

What Christmas and Easter needed were a good ad man. Something hooky. Something to get people interested. Most religious people know very little about their religion anyway. They know they are supposed to go to church. They know that even if they don't go to church, they should go on Christmas and Easter. Makes them feel good...saves them from an eternity in Hell.

Or maybe I'm not giving Christianity enough credit. (I know, it's hard to believe). Perhaps they are more devious and they know they'll get people hooked on Christianity by the attractiveness of Santa and the Easter Bunny. People will become Christians without even knowing it! Brilliant.

Don't get me wrong. I like painting eggs. I like hiding them, and when I was a kid, I liked finding them. I like candy. I definitely like presents (both giving and receiving). I do not, however, pretend that I'm doing something else on those days, or that there aren't 363.25 other days of the year that I could do those things instead.

Also, I find giant bunnies a little scary. Not as scary as clowns, but scary nonetheless.

Topic: "Donnie Darko" did for rabbits what "It" did for clowns.

God's Law

Another feature of the South (and perhaps elsewhere): A Jacksonville (FL) sheriff's office car has a Jesus fish on it.

Jesus Phone

I Wish This Were A Joke

Brainwashing is back, and the participants are not selling flowers in the road medians. Welcome kids, to Jesus Camp. If you like Jesus Camp, see also Stephen King's "Children of the Corn."

What If God Was One of Us?

Houston is the New Jerusalem.

Jose de Jesus claims his last name is not mere coincidence. He actually is the second coming of Jesus. Yes, that Jesus. Strangely, he also says he is the Antichrist, and encourages followers to tattoo "666" on their arms.

He preaches that there is no sin, Hell, the devil or damnation. (At least he's right about something). Millions follow him. He smokes. He drinks booze, saying "Jesus drank wine because he didn't have Dewar's." But he draws the line at drugs and getting drunk. It isn't clear why, since he believes there is no sin. He doesn't believe murder is a sin; just a crime. God forbid you murder anyone while drunk, though.

Jose of Jesus was born in Puerto Rico, and like many other saviors, spent time in prison (theft and heroin). That gave him time to be reborn as a Christian, in the great tradition of scalliwags everywhere. But Jose didn't just become a man of God. He says he actually became God and his followers are a super race because they are free of false religions like Catholicism.

At last report his hands and feet are puncture free.

Someone ought to be working on setting up a miracle contest between Senors de Jesus and Torop.

Jesus the Traffic Cop

A Russian Man, Sergei Torop (pictured...thanks wiki), says he is Jesus Christ. Torop is 46 years old, and is a former traffic cop. He has approximately 5,000 followers. Torop lives on a mountaintop, and occasionally descends so his followers can worship him.

Luba Derbina, a former translator for the Red Cross, said "This is him. This is the one, the teacher I have been waiting for all my life. Yes, I believe he is Jesus Christ. I know it, like I know I'm breathing, and that's it." See the story here.

Needless to say, JC is not on board. "That guy is not me. Perhaps I'm stating the obvious. I look a lot more like Barry Gibb, and my eyes are green not blue."

At the present time, Christ says he has no plans to visit Torop. "Such a long journey. Who needs it? Plus, I've got people for that sort of thing."

CUFI Rapture

Christians United for Israel believes in the expansion of Israeli territory and military action against Iran. CUFI believes that it needs to preserve Israel, because Jesus will be returning to the holy land after sinners have been wiped from the Earth. The CUFI folks believe when Jesus comes back, the Jews will say "Oh, you guys were right after all. Jesus is the savior." Tom DeLay is a fan of the second coming and says he "hope(s) it comes tomorrow." Check out the video here: CUFI Conference. Jesus was unable to attend the conference, due to pressing matters in Spain, but provided a brief statement to reporters as he entered the Plaza del Toro.

I don't know what all this talk is about the second coming. I'm already here people! Nevertheless, I support CUFI's efforts to help Israel, because as I've whispered to Dick Cheney on several occasions, Iraq must be wiped out and the Holy Land must be preserved. I grew up in that region -- I have wonderful boyhood memories, at least until I was crucified. In the meantime, I would encourage everyone to check out a reasonable facsimile of the region at The Holy Land Experience in Orlando. Now if you will excuse me, I have one of God's creatures to stab.

Satanic Lesbians

In Spain, a judge has ruled that a lesbian mother must marry a man to keep her two children. According to the judge:

It is understood that (a parent’s)...belonging to a satanic sect...would negatively affect the children and serve as a reason for a change of custody. Well, it’s the same with homosexuality.

I didn't realize that. Several days earlier Jesus Christ was seen materializing in the Spanish capital of Madrid, on vacation from his regular duties of advising the American government. Christ denied putting words into Judge Calamito's mouth, but was heard to remark "es muy bueno" in rudimentary Spanish.