Buckets and their Use

Infomercials make some of the most ridiculous and stupid statements you'll find anywhere.  Always has been that way,  and always will.

But today, I heard what I deem to be the dumbest statement I've ever heard on an infomercial, or perhaps on television generally (not sure about that, because they say some stupid shit on local news).  The product was the SteamMop.  The obnoxious male salesperson said that filling up the SteamMop was "1,000 times easier than using a bucket."

How can anything be easier than using a bucket?  That's like saying something is easier to eat off of than a plate. 

But even if I could think of filling this vessel as somehow being easier than filling up a bucket, I don't know how it could be 1,000 times easier.  I mean, almost every object I can think of is at least 1.1 times more difficult to use than a bucket. 

Plus, how you would measure such a thing?  It can't be a physical measurement, like the difference between the exertion required to fill a bucket and the exertion required to fill the SteamMop.  Both require turning the water on, and then carrying the vessel holding the water.

Perhaps it is a mental measurement?  Maybe scientists hired by the SteamMop company hired 1,000 extraordinarily stupid people, each of whom is uniquely stupid on a sliding scale from merely stupid to so incredibly stupid that they barely rise above the cellular level.  In the experiments, all 1,000 were able to use the SteamMop-- even the near-paramecia -- but only the smartest of the stupid people was able to use a bucket.  And there you have it.  The SteamMop is 1,000 times easier. 

You think such an experiment is impossible?  I doubt it.  You could probably find people on the west side of Jacksonville who would fit each of those 1,000 slots.  And it wouldn't cost the company much.  You could promise them a million dollars each, but if they are all challenged by buckets, you could certainly find a way not to pay them.  Might even be able to get them to pay you.

Laundry Packaging

For years (20 or more) laundry detergent came in a big plastic container of more than 100 ounces and it weighed about five pounds.  It took up a lot of space in a grocery cart, and was a pain to lug in from the car, despite the convenient handle.  It was better than a big box of powder, though, like my grandparents had to use.  Plus, if you carried it around the grocery store instead of using a cart, and alternated hands, you could get a decent arm workout.

Then came the 2x concentration innovation, which reduced the packaging and weight by more than half.  In my estimation, this lasted about 6 months.  Or perhaps I didn't do much laundry during this period.

In the last three months we've gotten 3x concentration, reducing the packaging further.  Problem is, my detergent container now looks exactly like my fabric softener container.  This isn't just the detergent's fault.  The fabric softener now comes in a white package instead of blue.  I just poured laundry liquid into my Downy Ball, and I can't figure out how to get it out of there, or how much I've used, since I can't measure it with the laundry cap.

C'mon people, I'm a guy.  I can barely do laundry at all, and now you are giving me detergent and fabric softener in the same sized, shaped and colored containers?

I suggest a compromise between the environmental benefits of smaller packaging and the male confusion resulting from same.  Go back to 2x concentrate on the detergent, and put the fabric softener in blue containers.  It cuts the old packaging materials in half, but is big enough to avoid Downy Ball blunders.

Top 10 Wimpy Hurricane Names (Prospective)

The National Hurricane Center sets the names for tropical storms (and potential hurricanes) in the North Atlantic.  They have a list of names through 2013 at the moment.  Here are the top 10 wimpiest names for current or upcoming storms:

10.  Colin -  Nothing with a British name is scary.  Hurricane Clive, anyone?

9.    Gert - Gertrude is weak; Gert is weaker.  Plus, it sounds like a short belch.

8.    Cindy - Sweet smile and adorable curls. Please don't hurt me with your gale force winds.  I had a girlfriend named Cindy, and she was no hurricane.

7.    Wendy - Is this a pun from the Nat'l Hurricane Center?  Like Hurricane Gail?  Hurricane names shouldn't be funny. 

6.    Virginie - Virgin-ey?  I'm not scared of that.

5.    Dolly - Dolly Madison decorated the White House; then had snack cakes named after her.

4.    Henri - Note, this is not Henry, as in Henry VIII, the powerful monarch.  It is Henri.  French pronunciation.

3.    Nana - That's a nickname for a grandmother, not a storm.  Will the storm give me a dollar for Christmas?

2.    Fay - Rhymes with gay.

1.    Van - I guess the storm will attack us with its polo collar up.

Crappy Words of the Week

"Ethnic cleansing" (and "purification").  Thanks Russia!

Suicide Foods

I have always been tremendously entertained (in a sort of sick way) by those signs you see at BBQ joints with the cartoon pig happily holding a knife and fork, inviting you to c'mon in and carve up his flesh.

Now, there's a blog that captures those kinds of roadside images in one place, and provides both witty and insightful commentary on the phenomenon.  Suicide Food.  Makes you laugh and makes you think.

The author gives "noose ratings" to the roadside signs. I know you'll be curious, but you really don't want to see the ones with a 5 rating.  They aren't funny...just disgusting.

This Mardi Gras one rates 3 nooses, and is probably my favorite.

But you also don't want to miss an entire category of meat signs where sex is injected (ack!) into the image to make you even hungrier. An example:

Is It The Bear's Fault?

An 8-year old boy hiking with his father in the Great Smokies was attacked by an 86 pound black bear. There was no evidence the boy taunted or threatened the bear, but the bear tossed him around a bit, giving the boy some cuts, bruises and a tremendous scare.

The boy's father chased the bear off by pelting it with rocks and sticks.

All very unfortunate, but luckily, the child is largely unharmed. And he has a great story to tell.

Here's the problem: "Park rangers caught a young bear soon afterward in the same area and killed it when it charged them. Smokies spokeswoman Nancy Gray said rangers were sure it was the same bear."

Why was the bear killed? "Park officials said the attack along the popular Rainbow Falls trail was unprovoked. In most cases, bears attack people while trying to poach their food, but none was present during the attack Monday. John Pala said their clothes might have smelled like fried chicken from a meal an hour earlier."

Doesn't the bear have as much right to those woods as the people do? From our perspective it may appear to be unprovoked, but from the bear's perspective? We are encroaching on his territory.

Why can't human beings just say, "Wow, that's scary. I better look out for bears in the Smokies." No kidding.

Why is the answer that we have to destroy the animal, who was doing what only came naturally to it? Neither the boy nor the father were seriously harmed.

Is it because we have to punish the bear for daring to try and harm a person, particularly a child? Or is it because we want to establish our dominion over the Smokey Mountains, ensuring that others can traipse around in the woods without fearing anything from wildlife?

I think it's both. People are happy to walk in the woods where squirrels scramble around, birds chirp and deer panic at the crack of a twig. God forbid they see real honest to goodness wild animals in the woods. That's what zoos are for, right?

Let's not forget that bears don't eat people. While Black Bears are technically carnivores, their subsistence is largely plant based: twigs, buds, leaves, nuts, fruit, berries and honey; supplemented by insects, fish and small vertebrates. Bears attack people because they have become familiar with people, and the food they carry around. That seems as much our fault as the bears'.

By the way, this must have been a relatively young, or starving bear, because an 86 pound Black Bear is not very big at all. According to the National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Mammals, Black Bears average between 203-587 pounds. In fact, he probably weighed little more than the 8 year old boy he attacked.

Exonerees

Walter Swift was convicted of rape in 1982 and sent to prison. This year, he was exonerated by DNA evidence. Twenty-six years of imprisonment. He couldn't get paroled, because to get parole, you have to admit guilt. He refused to do that.

Should he have admitted guilt just to get out? No way. He didn't commit the crime.

Guess what. Swift is African-American. The victim was a white woman -- pregnant. She described the rapist as a black man between 15 and 18 years old, with unusual braids and “poofs of hair” on his head. She said he had no facial hair.

Looking through mug books, the victim selected the photos of seven men who she said resembled the assailant. The police officer handling the case randomly decided that the next person selected would be brought in for a live lineup.

And that's where Walter enters the picture. Although he was several years older than the alleged assailant, and had a black eye, mustache, sideburns and closely cropped hair (no braids), he was identified in the lineup. The jury never heard the discrepancies between the victim's description and who she selected in the lineup.

I guess they all look alike.

Twenty-six years later, he is free. With nothing. The State of Michigan provides no assistance when someone is exonerated. They actually get less assistance than convictees get after their release. Exonerees are abandoned. No money. No job. No home. Not even a basic ID card.

To say nothing of adjusting to the real world. Do you think maybe the world is different in 2008 than in 1982? In 1982, no one even used a personal computer.

Swift had to go to Ireland with a benefactor who helped him raise enough money to get started. There is now a support web site at www.walterswift.com.

For more about this story, and others like it, see The Innocence Project, from which much of the info in this post was gleaned (along with an NPR story).