Cream of What?

This morning I woke up starving, and having polished off the last of the McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal  yesterday morning, I had nothing for breakfast in the house.  Except....back there in the corner, some tupperware with a blue lid.  It has cream of wheat in it.  That container has probably survived three different moves, but cream of wheat doesn't go bad in a sealed container.  So there's my breakfast.

But it isn't in a box, and if I ever could remember how to cook it, I can't now.  That's why there's Google, though, so I type in "directions for quaker cream of wheat" and get a bunch of hits, including one for Amazon.com.

Did you know that Amazon.com sells Cream of Wheat?  Oh yeah, and they've got nutrition facts, and a customer discussion section, etc.  Its sales rank is #70,328.  (McCann's oatmeal is ranked #3,405).

Amazon also has a section on the cream of wheat page called "Active Discussions in Related Forums."  The key word is "related."  Here's the call of the question:  Do any of these topics seem a little odd with respect to Quaker quick cooking Cream of Wheat?:

• Is a raw food diet the best diet? (128 replies)
  
• His needs/her needs, marriage counseling ...why SHOULDN'T women worry about looks? (49 replies)
  
• December 12, 2012 at 11:00?  What do you think will happen? (178 replies)
  
• Male circumcision (1,465 replies)
  
• Should we have free healthcare in the U.S.? (and is it possible?) (677 replies)
  
• Common Mood Stabilizers Found to Cause Suicidal Ideation As Noted by the FDA: What's the Best Way To Deal With It? (2 replies)
  
• Books for children with sick loved ones (no replies...no one cares apparently, because this is the oldest of the topics listed)
  

I'll let you know whether my breakfast of Cream of Wheat mixed with salt and honey gives me any clarity on  these topics.

Classic Toys

I ran across a story that was designed to tell us the original thinking behind some classic toys.  As I was reading it, I realized I had some thoughts about all of them, and it is my Constitutional right, as a blogger, to present them:

1.  Lincoln Logs:

...invented by John Lloyd Wright, Frank Lloyd Wright’s son. The original instructions included a how to construct a replica of Abraham Lincoln’s cabin, but also how to construct Uncle Tom’s cabin.

Frank Lloyd Wright must have been sooooo disappointed.  He's the most famous American architect in history, and his son is building one room cabins out of logs.  And plastic ones at that.


2. Tinkertoys

 ...were invented after a stonemason saw kids being totally entertained by building things with pencils and spools of thread.

Ah, the sweet days before electronics found their way into every kid's life.  Like when kids would be sent out into the yard to find something (anything) to do.  Didn't need a toy.  Just a stick.  Or a bug.   




3. Hula Hoops

...the inventors promoted it by going around to various playgrounds and parks giving children samples and showing them how to use it. Something tells me two random men showing up in a park handing out toys wouldn’t go over that well today…

Seems to work for the drug dealers.  If you want to see an entertaining movie from the 90s, see The Hudsucker Proxy (from the Coen Brothers).  I can't tell you why.  It will spoil the fun.


4. Sea Monkeys

...are real (and that’s what they look like)...They were “invented” in 1957 by Harold von Braunhut, the guy who invented X-Ray specs. They’re really brine shrimp and are ideal for packaging as a toy because they enter a natural state of suspended animation in certain (shippable) environments.

I don't think I owned a single comic book that did not contain a large sea monkey ad on the inside back cover.  They sure didn't look like brine shrimp, unless brine shrimp are three inches long, pink, and constantly party. This is stretching the idea of a toy.  And I hope those are gills, and not chest hair.

5. Play-Doh

...was first sold as a wallpaper cleaner. How’s that for weird? You rolled it on the walls to remove coal dust.

And I used to eat it.  Salty goodness.


6. Troll dolls

...were created in 1949 by a Danish fisherman who needed a cheap Christmas gift for his daughter because he couldn’t afford to buy anything. He used sheep’s wool for the hair. Thomas Dam’s dolls caught on; thus the original dolls were called Dam Dolls.

I missed this craze, but I always wondered why someone would want something so (Dam) ugly.


7. Slinky

...was invented by Naval engineer Richard James. He knocked a spring off of a shelf when he was working to develop springs that could keep ship instruments stable in choppy waters. The spring did what a Slinky does… it stepped down to a stack of books, then to the table, and then to the floor, where it righted itself into a cylinder.

I don't believe the second half of this story.  The slinky was constantly walking down steps and books on t.v., but getting it to take more than a couple of steps in real life was nearly impossible.  You're telling me it stepped down a stack of books, and THEN to a table, and THEN to the floor, and then curled up nicely?  And correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't the Navy be using a slightly higher grade metal?


8. LEGO blocks 

... were invented by Ole Kirk Christiansen, a master carpenter who lived in Denmark. The word comes from the Danish words LEg and GOdt, which together means “play well.” They later discovered that in Latin, Lego means “I put together.”

Ole Kirk was the son that Frank Lloyd Wright never had.


9. Raggedy Ann and Andy

...were created by writer and illustrator Johnny Gruelle. Ann was created as a doll in 1915 for Gruelle’s daughter – he reportedly named the doll after two books poems from a James Whitcomb Riley book – “The Raggedy Man” and “Little Orphan Annie.” 

These were creeeeeppppy!  Can't you just see waking up in the middle of the night getting stabbed by this thing?  Is that blood on her apron?????  Actually, I feel a little sorry for her.  Who wants to be called "raggedy"?

10. Sock Monkeys.

...The sock monkeys that we have come to know and love today – the ones made with Red-Heel socks – are thought to have come about in 1932. The distinctive red heel was given to the socks so customers would know they were getting authentic Rockford socks. When the Nelson Knitting Company discovered that their socks were being used across the country in this arts-and-crafts movement, they won the design patent for the sock monkey pattern and started including it in the packaging of their socks.

Okay, I don't believe this one either.  My guess is that the origin of the sock monkey is much more sinister and unpleasant, but I'll leave that unspoken.  For the moment, let's concentrate on the Sock Monkey Society:  A place where sock monkeys unite!.  Or Sock Monkey Ministries, whose job it is to demonstrate to us what's wrong with the U.S. Tax Code...they have a 501(c)(3) designation!

I Have Something In Common With Obama

On the NPR program "News and Notes" the other night, the host asked his guests whether Obama's newly graying hair was an issue worth discussing or not.  His guests said "yes," because it was indicative of job stress.

That's debatable, of course.  We all know the job of president is stressful.  I don't think gray hair adds anything to the analysis.  Plus, is there really a scientific link between stress and gray hair, or is that a myth?  I should probably research it, but that's not what this post is about.  [Update:  I'm right.]

I went to sleep Monday night with gray hairs dispersed throughout my head, but at most giving me a salt and pepper look.  Mostly pepper.  But I do have one streak in the front left side that's a little grayer than the other parts.

When I woke up Tuesday morning, that streak had become completely white!  Whatever dark hairs previously populated that streak converted to the dark side (or rather, the light side) in a single night.  Nothing stressful happened.  I ate well and slept well.

I'm afraid I'll wake up tomorrow looking like Lorne Greene.

Mystery Sandwich Technique

On the way home from work today I was behind a black Nissan Sentra, in decent, but not great shape, circa 2003. The driver, a man, was holding his left hand out the window while driving with his right.

But what's that in his left hand? A sandwich! He is holding the sandwich at arm's length out the car window. Appears to be some sort of flatbread or panini, with the flat portion of the bread facing into the wind (not aerodynamically on edge, cutting through the wind).

Occasionally, but not often, he brings his sandwich in and takes a bite while driving.

But at stop lights/signs, he brings his arm in, and keeps it there. The whole time. He takes no more bites while sitting than while driving. He just doesn't put the sandwich out the window. When the light goes green, the sandwich heads out the window, until he wants to take a quick bite while driving.

When I first saw this I explained it one of two ways: (a) the sandwich smells bad (maybe tuna) and he doesn't want to stink up the car; or (b) he doesn't want crumbs in the car. Those two theories went out the window when he kept the sandwich in the car for the entirety of his traffic stops.

Any ideas why he would hold the sandwich out the window only when in motion? Could he be keeping the sandwich refrigerated with the 55 degree Florida air?

Punxsutawney Phil in Jacksonville

I posted something earlier about the local school system, and it was on the serious side.  But I was looking back at one I did a couple of weeks ago about Groundhog Day, and I got to thinking: What if Punxsutawney Phil lived in Jacksonville?  (side note:  according to this web site, the Punxsutawney Phil Beanie Baby is no longer available!)

Back to Phil in Jax:


First, we've established that groundhogs live about 10 years or so.  I don't know if the dog-years calculation applies.  They are groundhogs, not grounddogs.  In any event, Phil is around school age.  I don't care whether he's 50 or 60 in groundhog years.  If his birth certificate says 6 or older, he's got to be in school.  It's the law.  Unless he's outside workin' on daddy's truck.

Second, I imagine that Phil's parents, if living, did not have a steady income.  Phil's gonna have to go to public school.  He can dream about running track or playing tennis at The Bolles School, but it ain't gonna happen.

Third, Phil has little legs.  He won't be walking to school (too far) or biking (pedals too far away).  It's the bus for Phil.  He's gonna get picked on.  But for once, his species will be on the bus, not under it.


Fourth, poor Phil's little groundhog liver, kidneys and pancreas are gonna be in turmoil when he gets done eatin' at the school cafeteria.  Groundhogs don't survive long on name brand sodas, pizza and Doritos.  Or as listed on the Duval County school cafeteria menu:  "Brain Fud"

Fifth, Phil will be the top student in his class, as he will be the only member of the class without an Xbox 360 and a copy of Guitar Hero. 

Sixth, there will be some social awkwardness.  The tiny lice that so merrily prance in his fur as part of a perfectly natural symbiotic relationship will not be appreciated by his classmates' parents when they appear in little Madison and Taylor's carefully placed hair.

Seventh, following a Jacksonville schoolboy tradition, on February 2 when Phil pops his head out of the hole and sees his shadow, he'll whip out a glock and fire three slugs into his shadow's pea-sized brain.  That is, if the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office doesn't open fire on the shadow first.  Either way, won't be six weeks of winter next year!

Groundhog Day

So a bunch of people got up on a freezing cold winter morning in Pennsylvania to watch a hole.  Actually, that may not even be true.  They may simply watch some groundhog owner announcing the results of the owner having already watched a hole.

This has been happening since 1887.  In a place with a simply horrible name:  Gobblers Knob.  Sounds like a fictional setting for a porn flick.

Needless to say, today's Phil is not the original Phil.  Even the hardiest groundhogs in captivity live about 10 years.  In the wild, they may live up to 6 years, and most live 1-3 years, thanks to traffic.  Since all the Phils are in captivity, let's go with an 8 year life span.  That's a plenty long life to pass on the weather knowledge to the little uns. 

This would be the 15th generation of Phil.  The Phil selection process must be interesting.  Let's say we have the original Phil (our proverbial Adam) who copulates with the proverbial Eve, groundhog style.  Groundhogs have one litter a year, with 2-9 pups.  Which of those became the next Phil?  Is it like royalty, where the oldest male gets the job?   Is there fratricide, where one of the younger males knocks off the older male to rise in standing?  Have there been any female Phils in years where there was no male lineage, or did the folks in Gobbler's Knob substitute a male groundhog just in case someone decided to look between its little legs?

And how do we know if the damn thing sees its shadow or not?  I suspect a groundhog does not even know what a shadow is.  Perhaps a frightened little expression appears on his face at the sight of a silhouetted apparition of himself, allowing the observers to say he saw it.  Or perhaps a groundhog expert, trained in the ways of the groundhog (much like Carl in Caddyshack) interprets his actions as yay or nay.

Apparently in 112 tries he has seen his shadow 97 times.  Why all the hubub, if he's going to predict six more weeks of winter 87% of the time?  Besides, it's Pennsylvania, and it's February 2.  Six more weeks of winter isn't exactly going out on a limb.  A human with a groundhog sized brain could tell you that.

What happened in the other ten years?  That is, if the first groundhog day was 1887 (122 years ago), but his record is 97-15, what happened in the other ten years?  Sadly, we'll never know.  The official site says for those years there is "no record".  The last year with no record was 1899, which is the year the Groundhog Club was formed.  "God forbid we miss any records hereafter" they declared!  

In any event, no one takes this seriously anymore...not even the official Groundhog Club.  On the other hand, I wonder if there is a single morning television show, whether network or local, that will not include it in this morning's stories. 

Ubiquitous television news stories, and people standing in freezing weather, all to observe a tradition that came from the Germans use of a hedgehog (porcupine) in connection with predicting the weather on Candlemas thousands of years ago.  As if religion does not serve as sufficient evidence, this whole groundhog thing reminds me what a strange species we are.

So, Do You Like It Greasy and Smelly?

The U.S. Dep't of the Interior is now saying they've discovered that department employees "used cocaine and marijuana and had sexual relations with oil and gas company representatives."  This one offers up so many cheap shots that I don't know what to do with myself.  Drilling? Lube jobs?

But I won't stoop to that level.  I'm going to stoop to a different level.  When I first heard the story, I had a thought I'm not proud of.  I thought "Sleeping with oil and gas company representatives?  Gross!"  For this post, then, I'm going to identify a few more influential groups whose representatives I think it would be gross to have sex with.

• Milk homogenization representatives (Milk Industry Foundation)
  
• American Podiatric Medical Association
• Obesity lobbyists
• National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, particularly the Chlamydia Division
• Plumbing and Drainage Institute
  
• Focus on the Family
  
• American Backflow Prevention Association
  
• People from Texas 

It's pretty unlikely I would run into most of these people anyway.  I might accidentally bump into someone from Focus on the Family, but they are probably abstinent -- or at least would claim to be.

I would make the list longer, but hopefully you can add to the list in your comments to make this more interesting.

Change Your First Name, Before You Get Arrested

A recent study out of the University of Pennsylvania finds that the more common a boy's first name is, the less likely he is to commit crimes.  And, the less popular a boy's first name is, the more likely he is to be a juvenile delinquent.

For example, Michael and David are pretty safe.  Alec, Ernest, Ivan, Kareem and Malcolm are not.

There's obviously a lot (too much) to explore here, but I note that first names are more diverse than they used to be.  Prior to 1950, approximately one-quarter of all boys and girls got one of the Top 10 names.  On the boys side that meant James, Robert, John, Michael, David, William, Richard, Thomas, Charles and, surprisingly, Gary. 

Today, only one-tenth of boys and girls have a Top 10 name.  Uh-oh.  Does that mean there will be proportionately more crime? 

Of course, this study is going to have some built in bias.  It is well known that our prison population is disproportionately (and disconcertingly) non-white, and of course, it is the whites who are the biggest factor in deciding what the most popular names are.  It stands to reason, then, that the more unique names provided by African-American parents, and the foreign names provided by people who have immigrated from other countries, would gel with our disproportionate criminal treatment of minorities.

I, for one, love unique names.  Sometimes they are funny, but sometimes they resonate.  Plus, I have to admire parents who go "off the board" and make up a previously little-known name for a child.  In a way, it's like art; a creative vision of how you think of the child, or who you want the child to be.

I wonder if you would be able to guess how many of the Top 10 boy names from 1950 are still in the Top 10 today (as of 2007).  Without looking, I'll say six...the first six listed above.  All very common names.

Wrong. These were the Top 10 boy names in 2007:  Jacob, Michael, Ethan, Joshua, Daniel, Christopher, Anthony, William, Matthew and Andrew.  Only two in common with the above list.  And still a fairly boring set of names. 

If you are curious, none of the Top 10 girls names in 2007 were in the Top 10 in 1950.  Good riddance to the #1 name from 1950:  Linda.  I mean, a few Lindas here and there are okay, but as the MOST popular name in the entire country???  I'm also split on the #1 girls name from 2007:  Emily.  On the one hand, I love the name and like to hear it.  On the other, I don't want it to be so watered down.  After all, virtually every Emily I've ever met has been beautiful.  Once the name is #1, there are bound to be some hideous people that end up with the name and take it down a notch.

In the year I was born, my name was #16, behind Anthony and ahead of Steven (take that, Steven!).  In Florida anyway.  In the nation, it was #9, just behind Richard and ahead of Thomas.  That's disappointing...to be so ordinary.  On the other hand, it looks like I won't be incarcerated.   For newer Jeffs, not so lucky.  It was #190 in 2007.

Cual es su nombre?

Driving to Miami last Sunday I saw this sticker on an 18 wheeler:  "God's last name is not 'dammit'".  Awesome! 


First, of course dammit isn't God's last name.  That's a terrible last name. Is Dag's last name "Nabbit"?  Is Gosh's last name "doggit"?

Second, does anyone believe God has any last name at all?  Why would he?  You get your last name from your father's family.  If I understand it right, God is not descended from anything or anyone.  Ergo, no last name.  Query, however, what Adam and Eve's last name was.  Either they didn't have a last name because their "father" didn't have a last name, or God anticipated the need for last names and gave them a random one.  If so, shouldn't we all have that last name? 

And Jesus would have the same last name as Adam and Eve, I think.  Yet everyone knows his last name was "Ofnazareth". 

Third, if God does have a last name, it is almost certainly "Smack".  That is, if you are talking about the Old Testament God.

Fourth, an even better last name for God is "Less."  In fact (if I can use the word "fact" in a discussion like this), "Less" is the perfect last name for God. He has no god himself, right?  So how clever would it be for him to be God Less?  Then we'd have Eve Less. 

But we all know Less is Mo(o)re.







Perhaps there's a God after all.  Damn!

Bah, Humbug

Every Christmas at least one person says "Bah, Humbug" to me   I wanted to think more about that phrase.

So much of Christmas is about pretending.  Pretending to like the ugly sweater your aunt gave you.  Pretending that a carpenter who lived 2,000 years ago is the savior of man.  And so on.

So to me, Bah Humbug means "c'mon, pretend with us."  Fair enough.  I have no problem with that.  We all like to pretend. I believe, however, that you are only allotted so much pretending during the year.  Go over your allotment and someone will call you delusional and throw you in the kook house.  Given that allotment, I have to be careful about which things I pretend about, and when.  I simply choose to allocate my fantasies to other things during other times of the year.

Yet someone who says Bah, Humbug doesn't mean simply "c'mon, pretend with us."  The subtext is "you are threatening to introduce some reality into my fantasy, so stop it."  I like that.  I think it's funny.  I also think it is justified, because who wants their fantasies mucked up by someone who doesn't buy into them?

The phrase Bah, Humbug is of course Dickensian from A Christmas Carol (a fine story).  Although people today say it to someone they think is being Scrooge-like, in the story* it is Scrooge's catchphrase.  These days, Scrooge has morphed into a character who is primarily about disliking Christmas.  That's not a complete picture.  Scrooge is a rich old man, ungenerous to a fault, who does not care about other people.  One would have trouble imagining Scrooge making a charitable donation.  (Of course, they didn't have tax deductions for charitable contributions back then.)  These sorry traits come to a head around Christmas time in the novel, but he isn't just anti-Christmas.  He's anti-social and a miserable human being.  Or duck.

The Ghost of Christmas Future (technically the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come) is not showing Scrooge simply how unpleasant a future Christmas will be.  In fact, the guests at the party are having a good time.  The Ghost is showing him how others reflect on Scrooge's desolate life, arising from being miserly and shunning people who might otherwise care about you.  That is the moral of the novel.  He will be forgotten.  Or worse, laughed at because "Old Scratch has got his own at last, hey?"

I'm not totally anti-Christmas; it's hard to hate something that people you care about seem to love.  Nor am I any more anti-social than the rest of you.  I'm not miserly (or rich, for that matter).  And I'm not a miserable human being who doesn't care about other people.  So, "Bah, Humbug" doesn't really apply to me! 

I get your point, though.  Christmas is about "cheer" in one way or another.  As Dickens wrote in the frontispiece to A Christmas Carol:  "My purpose was, in a whimsical kind of masque which the good humor of the season justified, to awaken some living and forbearing thoughts, never out of season in a Christian land."  Theoretically, anyway.

I do think it is interesting that no one says Bah, Humbug to Jewish people -- at least not intentionally.  There's a certain respect there.  I'm curious why the same courtesy is not given to the anti-religious (or pantheists, which to me is the same thing).

____

*Many people think "A Christmas Carol" is a novel, but it is far shorter than 100 pages and the character development is not typical of a novel.  In fact, A Christmas Carol is just one of five Christmas stories that Dickens wrote.  The others are "The Chimes," "The Cricket On the Hearth," "The Battle of Life" and "The Haunted Man."  In some volumes they are together known as the "Christmas Books."

The Chimes is subtitled "A Goblin Story."  The Cricket on the Hearth is subtitled "A Fairy Tale of Home."  Maybe I'll read that one tonight.  The Battle of Life is subtitled "A Love Story."   And The Haunted Man has a subtitle that seems to continue the title: "And the Ghost's Bargain."

Put "Christ" Back in Christmas

I'm hearing this refrain a lot, moreso this year than in previous years.  Perhaps it is because Obama got elected and evangelists still think he's Muslim. 

But I whole-heartedly agree.  Christmas should have Christ in it.  Otherwise, it's just December 25 and an excuse to give presents.  Nevermind that Christ wasn't born on December 25.  We do the same thing with President's birthdays.  Fifty years from now you can celebrate Obama's national holiday on the first Monday in August, where it will be more convenient for employers than August 4 would be.

I would prefer Christmas if it retained even a modicum of integrity as a religious holiday.  Instead, most Christians choose it as one of the two days a year they will go to church, and they put up all kinds of religious imagery (like nativity scenes) without giving a thought to their religion.  In that sense, it's no different than every other day of their lives, where they claim belief and have no idea what any of it means. 

So if you are Christian, celebrate Christmas for what it is supposed to be.  Perhaps -- and I know this is going to sound crazy to most of you -- you should consider reading the Bible.  Not just the passages that you think support marriage as one man and one woman, but the whole damned thing.  It is, after all, what you claim to believe in. You can still do all the fun stuff too, but mayhap you should consider it more significant than an excuse to turn around the fortunes of the nation's retailers. 

I have only one question.  If I support putting Christ back into Christmas, can we take Christ out of the other 364.25 days of the year?

Buckets and their Use

Infomercials make some of the most ridiculous and stupid statements you'll find anywhere.  Always has been that way,  and always will.

But today, I heard what I deem to be the dumbest statement I've ever heard on an infomercial, or perhaps on television generally (not sure about that, because they say some stupid shit on local news).  The product was the SteamMop.  The obnoxious male salesperson said that filling up the SteamMop was "1,000 times easier than using a bucket."

How can anything be easier than using a bucket?  That's like saying something is easier to eat off of than a plate. 

But even if I could think of filling this vessel as somehow being easier than filling up a bucket, I don't know how it could be 1,000 times easier.  I mean, almost every object I can think of is at least 1.1 times more difficult to use than a bucket. 

Plus, how you would measure such a thing?  It can't be a physical measurement, like the difference between the exertion required to fill a bucket and the exertion required to fill the SteamMop.  Both require turning the water on, and then carrying the vessel holding the water.

Perhaps it is a mental measurement?  Maybe scientists hired by the SteamMop company hired 1,000 extraordinarily stupid people, each of whom is uniquely stupid on a sliding scale from merely stupid to so incredibly stupid that they barely rise above the cellular level.  In the experiments, all 1,000 were able to use the SteamMop-- even the near-paramecia -- but only the smartest of the stupid people was able to use a bucket.  And there you have it.  The SteamMop is 1,000 times easier. 

You think such an experiment is impossible?  I doubt it.  You could probably find people on the west side of Jacksonville who would fit each of those 1,000 slots.  And it wouldn't cost the company much.  You could promise them a million dollars each, but if they are all challenged by buckets, you could certainly find a way not to pay them.  Might even be able to get them to pay you.

Top 10 Wimpy Hurricane Names (Prospective)

The National Hurricane Center sets the names for tropical storms (and potential hurricanes) in the North Atlantic.  They have a list of names through 2013 at the moment.  Here are the top 10 wimpiest names for current or upcoming storms:

10.  Colin -  Nothing with a British name is scary.  Hurricane Clive, anyone?

9.    Gert - Gertrude is weak; Gert is weaker.  Plus, it sounds like a short belch.

8.    Cindy - Sweet smile and adorable curls. Please don't hurt me with your gale force winds.  I had a girlfriend named Cindy, and she was no hurricane.

7.    Wendy - Is this a pun from the Nat'l Hurricane Center?  Like Hurricane Gail?  Hurricane names shouldn't be funny. 

6.    Virginie - Virgin-ey?  I'm not scared of that.

5.    Dolly - Dolly Madison decorated the White House; then had snack cakes named after her.

4.    Henri - Note, this is not Henry, as in Henry VIII, the powerful monarch.  It is Henri.  French pronunciation.

3.    Nana - That's a nickname for a grandmother, not a storm.  Will the storm give me a dollar for Christmas?

2.    Fay - Rhymes with gay.

1.    Van - I guess the storm will attack us with its polo collar up.

Crappy Words of the Week

"Ethnic cleansing" (and "purification").  Thanks Russia!

Exonerees

Walter Swift was convicted of rape in 1982 and sent to prison. This year, he was exonerated by DNA evidence. Twenty-six years of imprisonment. He couldn't get paroled, because to get parole, you have to admit guilt. He refused to do that.

Should he have admitted guilt just to get out? No way. He didn't commit the crime.

Guess what. Swift is African-American. The victim was a white woman -- pregnant. She described the rapist as a black man between 15 and 18 years old, with unusual braids and “poofs of hair” on his head. She said he had no facial hair.

Looking through mug books, the victim selected the photos of seven men who she said resembled the assailant. The police officer handling the case randomly decided that the next person selected would be brought in for a live lineup.

And that's where Walter enters the picture. Although he was several years older than the alleged assailant, and had a black eye, mustache, sideburns and closely cropped hair (no braids), he was identified in the lineup. The jury never heard the discrepancies between the victim's description and who she selected in the lineup.

I guess they all look alike.

Twenty-six years later, he is free. With nothing. The State of Michigan provides no assistance when someone is exonerated. They actually get less assistance than convictees get after their release. Exonerees are abandoned. No money. No job. No home. Not even a basic ID card.

To say nothing of adjusting to the real world. Do you think maybe the world is different in 2008 than in 1982? In 1982, no one even used a personal computer.

Swift had to go to Ireland with a benefactor who helped him raise enough money to get started. There is now a support web site at www.walterswift.com.

For more about this story, and others like it, see The Innocence Project, from which much of the info in this post was gleaned (along with an NPR story).

Crappy Word of the Week

Edutainment. Also in this category, infotainment, dramedy and docudrama.

Labelwhore

No, I'm not talking about the Blogger labels feature. From Folio Weekly in Jacksonville, Florida, came this item:

Making artistic, themed scrapbooks is a $2.6 billion industry in the U.S. (nearly one-fifth as large as the adult-video industry) and has a "Hall of Fame" as protective of its morals as baseball's, which has shunned gamblers and steroid users. According to a January Wall Street Journal report, one "superstar" scrapbooker, Kristina Contes, was recently kicked out of the hall for violating etiquette by displaying another's photo inside her scrapbook in a competition. Contes said the oversight was inadvertent but that she is now shunned within the community for her grave offense and is called "labelwhore."

What do you say to that? I actually think the scrapbooking industry is worse for America than adult-videos (assuming they don't involve children, which I would not endorse in any form). Scrapbooking is another of those seemingly-sweet American institutions, like cheerleading or Little League baseball, that spouts a bunch of draconian rules because basically, people like to tell other people what to do and think. Now I wouldn't consider scrapbooking "art" no matter what...not my thing. But it isn't my job to tell people what constitutes "art" and what doesn't. I don't think Thomas Kinkaid makes art either, but millions of people disagree. Fine. But I'm SURE it doesn't qualify as art if the governing body tells you what you can and cannot do with your art.

Vagina Lollipops

No, I'm not talking about candy sold at an "adult" store. I'm talking about the vagina-shaped lollipops used to promote productions of The Vagina Monologues at the graduate school where I teach. I don't know what flavor they are. It seemed like a bad idea for a male professor to take one, even though they are free, and I haven't mustered the guts to ask someone else. I'm guessing chocolate, as that is the only flavor I found in a web search...a Google that, because it was performed on my work computer, will probably be misinterpreted and will get me fired. I'm not that skittish about these things, so I don't think there is an inner prude emerging from my soul. I was just...surprised (and perhaps, curious?). Anyway, I'm just wondering if the promotion of the event really needs to be taken this far. The brochures already have the "V" represented by a woman lying on her back with her legs spread in a "v" shape. The word vagina is in the title. We pretty much get the gist of what's going on. This post is not meant as a commentary on the play itself. I've never even seen the play, though I've read the script...long story. I just think the promotion is a little odd. Can you imagine a play ("Penis Prologues" or "Cock Chronicles"), at a graduate school, where the promotional items included a phallus-shaped lollipop? They'd be heaped on a bonfire, and the news media would be invited to attend. And no, I did not do a web search for those! I say do the play, but let the play speak for itself. Incidentally, apparently not every woman is so enamored with the play, as illustrated in this guide describing how to hate on V-Day.

Bush Knows Me Well

Our president actually said this yesterday:

"When I say I'm confident [about a Republican winning the presidency in 2008], I am so because I understand the mentality of the American people," Bush said. "

Insert choking sounds here.

Terry Vereen Plumbing

I live three blocks from a plumbing establishment. Their headquarters are at the edge of an old neighborhood in town. They keep a business fleet of 15 or so trucks and vans on their property. Every day, at "quittin' time," these 15 trucks and vans come barreling down the residential streets at about 45 miles per hour, accelerating as fast as possible from stop signs. It's like a bunch of rednecks filled with Bud on New Year's Eve. Every day! You think maybe they are in a hurry to get home? Nope. When they reach headquarters, they stand around in the parking lot talking to each other. Must be some conversation. I bet Terry loses a lot of neighborhood business. If I needed a plumber, I'd call someone further away.