Classic Toys

I ran across a story that was designed to tell us the original thinking behind some classic toys.  As I was reading it, I realized I had some thoughts about all of them, and it is my Constitutional right, as a blogger, to present them:

1.  Lincoln Logs:

...invented by John Lloyd Wright, Frank Lloyd Wright’s son. The original instructions included a how to construct a replica of Abraham Lincoln’s cabin, but also how to construct Uncle Tom’s cabin.

Frank Lloyd Wright must have been sooooo disappointed.  He's the most famous American architect in history, and his son is building one room cabins out of logs.  And plastic ones at that.


2. Tinkertoys

 ...were invented after a stonemason saw kids being totally entertained by building things with pencils and spools of thread.

Ah, the sweet days before electronics found their way into every kid's life.  Like when kids would be sent out into the yard to find something (anything) to do.  Didn't need a toy.  Just a stick.  Or a bug.   




3. Hula Hoops

...the inventors promoted it by going around to various playgrounds and parks giving children samples and showing them how to use it. Something tells me two random men showing up in a park handing out toys wouldn’t go over that well today…

Seems to work for the drug dealers.  If you want to see an entertaining movie from the 90s, see The Hudsucker Proxy (from the Coen Brothers).  I can't tell you why.  It will spoil the fun.


4. Sea Monkeys

...are real (and that’s what they look like)...They were “invented” in 1957 by Harold von Braunhut, the guy who invented X-Ray specs. They’re really brine shrimp and are ideal for packaging as a toy because they enter a natural state of suspended animation in certain (shippable) environments.

I don't think I owned a single comic book that did not contain a large sea monkey ad on the inside back cover.  They sure didn't look like brine shrimp, unless brine shrimp are three inches long, pink, and constantly party. This is stretching the idea of a toy.  And I hope those are gills, and not chest hair.

5. Play-Doh

...was first sold as a wallpaper cleaner. How’s that for weird? You rolled it on the walls to remove coal dust.

And I used to eat it.  Salty goodness.


6. Troll dolls

...were created in 1949 by a Danish fisherman who needed a cheap Christmas gift for his daughter because he couldn’t afford to buy anything. He used sheep’s wool for the hair. Thomas Dam’s dolls caught on; thus the original dolls were called Dam Dolls.

I missed this craze, but I always wondered why someone would want something so (Dam) ugly.


7. Slinky

...was invented by Naval engineer Richard James. He knocked a spring off of a shelf when he was working to develop springs that could keep ship instruments stable in choppy waters. The spring did what a Slinky does… it stepped down to a stack of books, then to the table, and then to the floor, where it righted itself into a cylinder.

I don't believe the second half of this story.  The slinky was constantly walking down steps and books on t.v., but getting it to take more than a couple of steps in real life was nearly impossible.  You're telling me it stepped down a stack of books, and THEN to a table, and THEN to the floor, and then curled up nicely?  And correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't the Navy be using a slightly higher grade metal?


8. LEGO blocks 

... were invented by Ole Kirk Christiansen, a master carpenter who lived in Denmark. The word comes from the Danish words LEg and GOdt, which together means “play well.” They later discovered that in Latin, Lego means “I put together.”

Ole Kirk was the son that Frank Lloyd Wright never had.


9. Raggedy Ann and Andy

...were created by writer and illustrator Johnny Gruelle. Ann was created as a doll in 1915 for Gruelle’s daughter – he reportedly named the doll after two books poems from a James Whitcomb Riley book – “The Raggedy Man” and “Little Orphan Annie.” 

These were creeeeeppppy!  Can't you just see waking up in the middle of the night getting stabbed by this thing?  Is that blood on her apron?????  Actually, I feel a little sorry for her.  Who wants to be called "raggedy"?

10. Sock Monkeys.

...The sock monkeys that we have come to know and love today – the ones made with Red-Heel socks – are thought to have come about in 1932. The distinctive red heel was given to the socks so customers would know they were getting authentic Rockford socks. When the Nelson Knitting Company discovered that their socks were being used across the country in this arts-and-crafts movement, they won the design patent for the sock monkey pattern and started including it in the packaging of their socks.

Okay, I don't believe this one either.  My guess is that the origin of the sock monkey is much more sinister and unpleasant, but I'll leave that unspoken.  For the moment, let's concentrate on the Sock Monkey Society:  A place where sock monkeys unite!.  Or Sock Monkey Ministries, whose job it is to demonstrate to us what's wrong with the U.S. Tax Code...they have a 501(c)(3) designation!

The BO Chronicles

I was at Target last night, shopping for various sundries.  I swung by the deodorant aisle.  Target has a wide selection.  About 3/4 of one entire side of an aisle is dedicated to deodorant.

My normal approach is four steps:  (1) find the men's section; (2) grab either Degree or Axe for men; (3) pop the caps and smell a few; and (4) purchase one that I don't think a woman, if I ever met one, would find offensive.  I don't even look at the name of the scent.  Gone in 30 seconds.

Last night required a different procedure.  For there in front of me was a family.  An impenetrable wall of family.  Here's a rough approximation of the configuration:

__________________________
   W  < >     S         K          H
         G  < >                          Me
__________________________
 
W = Woman in her late twenties, with a shopping cart (< >) parallel to the aisle facing S.
S = W's sister, I think.  A little younger.
K = Kid, an 8 year old girl
H = Husband of woman, slightly younger, and definitely NOT in charge.
G = W's mom (the grandmother) with her own shopping cart (< >) also parallel to the aisle.

The deodorant is on the north side of this aisle.  W, G, and S are in the women's section.  K and H are in the men's section.  K is lifting the cap off of ev-e-ry...single...container, and sniffing them all -- as if she's in some sort of timed deodorant sniffing contest.  God knows what this will do to her brain development.

H, flummoxed by all the choices, has a blank look on his face.  He's not frustrated by how much time they are spending here.  He's not even resigned to it.  He's just floating in his own space.

W and S are discussing the various scents of women's deodorants. W then shrieks (literally):  "Oh my God*, they have Classic Romance."  Classic Romance?  Yes, that's the name of a women's scent.  Talk about marketing!  There's nothing romantic about deodorant.  I actually thought she was kidding, but S and G lean in for a whiff.

*Degree has its own line of deodorant for teenage girls and it's tag line is "Protection for every OMG moment."

W then tells H:  "You should get this."  H, not knowing what else to do, says "If you think so."  Yeah, H is going to be wearing Classic Romance.  I think H might be in the Navy (we are near NAS Jax, and he has a short haircut). 

But wait, W isn't done.  She blurts to the group:  "John (this is H's name), you really should get 'clinical protection'."  I'm feeling uncomfortable.  Not only am I spending waaaayyy too much time in the deodorant aisle, but I now have the sinking feeling I'm going to get TMI about H's b.o.  G chimes in "Yes, John, that's very strong.  Doctors recommend it."

Doctors recommend deodorant?  When?  I've never seen a commercial that says "4 out of 5 doctors we surveyed recommend Degree Clinical Protection."  How bad do you have to smell to get a doctor's recommendation for deodorant.  I decide to hold my breath, just in case.

I've had enough.  It's Saturday night, and I may not have any plans, but I'm NOT going to be stuck in a deodorant colloquium.

Here's the aisle again, in a bigger view.  My plan is represented by the dashed lines:


__________________________

   W  < >     S       / K           H
                              --- \
         G   < >                  \
                                       -----Me
__________________________

That's right, moving quickly to my left, I execute a slashing maneuver, and using my left hand, I reach up and over the kid for some men's Degree. The family looks at me like I've just walked through their living room on my way to their backyard.  I leave quickly.

On the way to the counter I sneak a peek.  I got Degree "Power."  Look out y'all.

Christmas Presents

I've had enough with Christmas giving from parents, siblings and similar relations, and I mean that in two ways.

A:  I have received enough Christmas presents in the last (roughly) 40 years to last me a lifetime.  I don't need any more.

B:  In particular, I don't need a gift if you have no idea what to get me and are just buying it because you think you are supposed to.  If you think of something really interesting that I haven't thought of and I can't afford, bring it on.  Otherwise, let's not do it just to do it.

Something happens when you reach a certain age.  I'm not sure what age that is...somewhere in the late 30s.  You become so independent of your family that they have no idea what to buy you anymore, so they buy you the things you might have liked (maybe) 10 years ago.  Or they realize they don't know what to get you, and they ask you what you want.  Well, what's the point of buying me a present if I'm telling you what to buy me?  Then it's just a question of who is doing the shopping and who is spending the money. 

Why don't we just buy ourselves gifts instead of telling other people what we want and having them buy it? 

Now, I recognize an exception if the people you are asking have a lot more money than you and are willing to spend it on gifts.  Then you should ask.  And don't be shy.

However, many of us (if not most) will be more succesful than our parents, so what can we ask them for?  Everything they can afford is something we would have already bought for ourselves at some point during the year.  And what we really want is often something they cannot afford or would not know how to buy (e.g., anything involving technology).

Gift certificates are almost always nice, because they may prompt us to buy a luxury item, even if the gift certificate does not cover the entire cost.  If you get a $40 gift certificate to Best Buy and buy a camera, it's like getting a $40 discount.  That's a good gift.

Unfortunately family members, especially parents, are stubborn about gift certificates.  They don't like them because they want to buy you something "special."  This is delusional, because they no longer no what would be special.  And what's weird is, they know it!  They are just guessing, and hoping.  Or they ask you, which of course takes anything "special" out of the equation.

I think it's because they want to see your little face light up the way it did when you were 6 and got every toy you begged for during the year.  Hate me for it, but them days are gone daddy gone.

None of this means you cannot enjoy the holidays with your family.

If you must buy gifts for a parent, sibling, child (or similar), do what I do.  Pay attention during the year to what they want.  Keep a little list.  Then you don't have to ask what they want.  And unless it is fad-related and the fad has ended, they will be surprised that you bought them something they really want.  That's what makes people feel special.  If you wait until December, forget it and get a gift card. Otherwise, you are just faking it.

A post for another time, but I'm trying to decide which I like less:  Christmas shopping or buying people gifts for weddings I'm invited to but cannot attend.  I haven't done a proper analysis, but my money's on the latter.

Talking Thumbs

I never really thought about it until a couple of minutes ago, when I saw a Samsung commercial, but talking thumbs freak me out.

I'm not sure if it is because of the way the faces are morphed, with no chins (or endless chins), or that they look slightly insane, or if I just don't like to think about thumbs.  For some reason, I'm less disturbed by the black thumbs in the video.  I don't know what that means.

Also, this could really happen.  In the future.

I guess I should thank my lucky stars that they aren't big toes.

Special Sauce

Looking for the perfect Christmas gift?  Burger King to the rescue.

BK has introduced a scent -- "Flame" -- for sale at a New York City retailer.  It's in the form of a body spray and is described thusly: "The WHOPPER® sandwich is America’s Favorite burger. FLAME™ by BK® captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Yum.  Go to www.firemeetsdesire.com to see the BK marketing materials.  There's seductive music, complete with love talk from a Barry White-like voice, and depictions of various romantic settings in which you may find the product useful.

Don't be afraid to visit Rickys NYC's site either.  There are some "choice cuts" in the comments.  For instance, Tit-Wank writes: "...after using just all 5ml of this tiny tube I became irresistable[sic] to the plumper women in the area.  They flocked to me ripping off there[sic] clothes, rippling as they did so."

Or Mile High Club, who writes about his international flight:  "I had a seat next to a very hot foreign woman who spoke english as a second language. She asked me 'Excuse me? Can You move to a different seat? I cannot control my lust for your scent and need you to relocate before I do things to you that are illegal in my my country.'"

Rickys site even has the naked Burger King (with his frightening plastic head) on a bear skin rug.  Strangely, he's much less scary in this scenario than in commercials when he is lurking outside windows of houses.

The product retails for $3.99, but Rickys says it is sold out.

Laundry Packaging

For years (20 or more) laundry detergent came in a big plastic container of more than 100 ounces and it weighed about five pounds.  It took up a lot of space in a grocery cart, and was a pain to lug in from the car, despite the convenient handle.  It was better than a big box of powder, though, like my grandparents had to use.  Plus, if you carried it around the grocery store instead of using a cart, and alternated hands, you could get a decent arm workout.

Then came the 2x concentration innovation, which reduced the packaging and weight by more than half.  In my estimation, this lasted about 6 months.  Or perhaps I didn't do much laundry during this period.

In the last three months we've gotten 3x concentration, reducing the packaging further.  Problem is, my detergent container now looks exactly like my fabric softener container.  This isn't just the detergent's fault.  The fabric softener now comes in a white package instead of blue.  I just poured laundry liquid into my Downy Ball, and I can't figure out how to get it out of there, or how much I've used, since I can't measure it with the laundry cap.

C'mon people, I'm a guy.  I can barely do laundry at all, and now you are giving me detergent and fabric softener in the same sized, shaped and colored containers?

I suggest a compromise between the environmental benefits of smaller packaging and the male confusion resulting from same.  Go back to 2x concentrate on the detergent, and put the fabric softener in blue containers.  It cuts the old packaging materials in half, but is big enough to avoid Downy Ball blunders.

Suicide Foods

I have always been tremendously entertained (in a sort of sick way) by those signs you see at BBQ joints with the cartoon pig happily holding a knife and fork, inviting you to c'mon in and carve up his flesh.

Now, there's a blog that captures those kinds of roadside images in one place, and provides both witty and insightful commentary on the phenomenon.  Suicide Food.  Makes you laugh and makes you think.

The author gives "noose ratings" to the roadside signs. I know you'll be curious, but you really don't want to see the ones with a 5 rating.  They aren't funny...just disgusting.

This Mardi Gras one rates 3 nooses, and is probably my favorite.

But you also don't want to miss an entire category of meat signs where sex is injected (ack!) into the image to make you even hungrier. An example:

Easter Bunnies and Christmas Clauses

Having reflected on Easter, I'm even more confused than before.

Yes, it is ridiculous (except in a mythological sense) that Jesus rose from the grave, etc. etc., though not any more ridiculous than his status as the son of god.

But how did the Easter Bunny get in the mix? The same could be said for Santa.

Here's the answer. Even for Christians, the religious significance of the holidays is not enough to get their attention. Instead, they need gifts, and painted eggs, and fattened live beings (whether human or hare) to make those days matter. Christmas and Easter aren't a good sell if the only message is the birth of Christ and his resurrection.

What Christmas and Easter needed were a good ad man. Something hooky. Something to get people interested. Most religious people know very little about their religion anyway. They know they are supposed to go to church. They know that even if they don't go to church, they should go on Christmas and Easter. Makes them feel good...saves them from an eternity in Hell.

Or maybe I'm not giving Christianity enough credit. (I know, it's hard to believe). Perhaps they are more devious and they know they'll get people hooked on Christianity by the attractiveness of Santa and the Easter Bunny. People will become Christians without even knowing it! Brilliant.

Don't get me wrong. I like painting eggs. I like hiding them, and when I was a kid, I liked finding them. I like candy. I definitely like presents (both giving and receiving). I do not, however, pretend that I'm doing something else on those days, or that there aren't 363.25 other days of the year that I could do those things instead.

Also, I find giant bunnies a little scary. Not as scary as clowns, but scary nonetheless.

Topic: "Donnie Darko" did for rabbits what "It" did for clowns.

Owie

Just saw a Tampax commercial for a new product: Tampax Cardboard. I'm not making it up. I'm not a woman, but wouldn't that be...uncomfortable? I found a cardboard box in the house and rubbed it. It hurt my fingers. And my fingers have been through a lot more than... Well, anyway. What's next, burlap bras?