I posted something earlier about the local school system, and it was on the serious side. But I was looking back at one I did a couple of weeks ago about Groundhog Day, and I got to thinking: What if Punxsutawney Phil lived in Jacksonville? (side note: according to this web site, the Punxsutawney Phil Beanie Baby is no longer available!)
Back to Phil in Jax:
First, we've established that groundhogs live about 10 years or so. I don't know if the dog-years calculation applies. They are groundhogs, not grounddogs. In any event, Phil is around school age. I don't care whether he's 50 or 60 in groundhog years. If his birth certificate says 6 or older, he's got to be in school. It's the law. Unless he's outside workin' on daddy's truck.
Second, I imagine that Phil's parents, if living, did not have a steady income. Phil's gonna have to go to public school. He can dream about running track or playing tennis at The Bolles School, but it ain't gonna happen.
Third, Phil has little legs. He won't be walking to school (too far) or biking (pedals too far away). It's the bus for Phil. He's gonna get picked on. But for once, his species will be on the bus, not under it.
Fourth, poor Phil's little groundhog liver, kidneys and pancreas are gonna be in turmoil when he gets done eatin' at the school cafeteria. Groundhogs don't survive long on name brand sodas, pizza and Doritos. Or as listed on the Duval County school cafeteria menu: "Brain Fud"
Fifth, Phil will be the top student in his class, as he will be the only member of the class without an Xbox 360 and a copy of Guitar Hero.
Sixth, there will be some social awkwardness. The tiny lice that so merrily prance in his fur as part of a perfectly natural symbiotic relationship will not be appreciated by his classmates' parents when they appear in little Madison and Taylor's carefully placed hair.
Seventh, following a Jacksonville schoolboy tradition, on February 2 when Phil pops his head out of the hole and sees his shadow, he'll whip out a glock and fire three slugs into his shadow's pea-sized brain. That is, if the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office doesn't open fire on the shadow first. Either way, won't be six weeks of winter next year!
