Hollywood Publicists

What a strange job, acting as publicist for a Hollywood star. Recent reports are that the actress Scarlett Johansson (co-star of one of my favorite movies "Ghost World") is marrying some actor from Canada I've never heard of. The news story contained one brief quote: "They're both thrilled," Johansson's rep Marcel Pariseau told People Magazine. Did Marcel sit up all night thinking "What am I going to say if they ask me about the marriage? It has to be something really good. But short. Simple. And sweet. What would Scarlett say if she were answering the question directly, which of course she is totally unable to do. I've got it: 'They are very happy'. Nah. Too boring. 'Thrilled' is better. Or 'absolutely thrilled'...eh, maybe that's too much. It's a Hollywood romance. It can't be that thrilling, and it will be over soon. Think I'll stick with 'thrilled'. Got to remember to say 'both thrilled' though. Don't want anyone thinking that one is thrilled and the other is merely happy. That would be too much like the Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton romance, and we don't want to be associated with that, especially after Scarlett's character went down on Billy Bob during that car scene in 'Man Without A Face', which resulted in her character's untimely death. We don't want anyone to die here." Apparently, after having her wisdom teeth removed Scarlett dipped one of the removed teeth in gold and gave it to her now fiancee as a birthday necklace. Wonder what Marcel had to say about that one?

Can't A Guy Catch a Break?

We finally have an African-American man with a genuine shot at the presidency, and what happens? He's getting shot down by his own pastor, who is also black. Is this just another example of black-on-black crime? I don't think so. I don't think it is his pastor who has the gun. It is the media, again. SO WHAT if his former pastor is an ardent racist, supports Farrakhan and considers America a terrorist government? Has anyone ever had a friend or associate who does not think exactly like they do? Of course. But on the public stage, Obama is spending all his speaking time distancing himself from the Reverend Wright, even though he is his former pastor and is not formally part of the Obama campaign. Perhaps I'm missing something in the pastor-parishioner relationship. Are all parishioners associated with the private thoughts of their pastors? Is the same true in academia? Are all students who get an "A" in a particular class associated with the private beliefs of their professors? Not that I know of. If all parishioners are associated with the private thoughts of their pastors, there are a large number of people from Catholic congregations who are associated with some pretty naughty priestly habits. Obama has sophisticated campaign strategists, and they finally told him to get pissed off, and cut all ties with Wright. I wish he would add "I cannot be any more emphatic. And I will not waste more precious time during this campaign, or the presidential campaign addressing the thoughts of a man who does not represent my views. Period." And then, actually follow through, by NOT answering any more questions. Ignore them. The problem, of course, is that America has to be told something five times before it starts to sink in. If then. There were people in Indiana interviewed last week who were still concerned about Obama being a Muslim. A year from now, they will probably think Obama believes the U.S. government will use AIDs to wipe out the U.S. minority population.

What is News?

Specifically, what is sports news? ESPN's sportscenter this morning has a story about Brett Favre. Nothing surprising, except he has retired, and they keep asking him if he is still retired. But the real news story? He's going to be on the cover of EA Sports Madden '09. How is this news? When Pete Rose was on the Wheaties box, did the 6:00 news report it? There's too much t.v. programming. I imagine its rather difficult to fill all that time, so I shouldn't be surprised. But 300 channels, 24 hours a day. That's a lot of space to fill. Hence the dime-a-dozen sitcoms, the non-news news stories, the liberal-conservative pundits fighting each other, the non-journalist pundits telling us what to think, and the dominance of Law and Order and CIS and their abundant spinoffs.

Crappy Word of the Week

Edutainment. Also in this category, infotainment, dramedy and docudrama.

British Sea Power and Film School

On Saturday I went to a show at a local club featuring a local opener, Film School and British Sea Power. I went for BSP, because I really like their Open Season CD, particularly "It Ended On An Oily Stage." BSP didn't play much from that CD, focusing more on the new release "Do You Like Rock Music?" That CD is okay...it's better live than in studio. In my view, though, it doesn't have the British sound that I liked on Open Season. Interestingly, BSP is fairly subdued playing their set, but at the end, they went crazy for 1/2 an hour, throwing guitars, smashing everything, picking each other up, screaming, wailing on guitars...all like a punk act. I found it interesting for five minutes. And then, eardrums bleeding at 2 a.m. I thought, why am I paying for these guys to enjoy themselves on stage, when they aren't actually "creating" anything for the audience. Just not my thing, I guess. The surprise was Film School. This is a revamped version of the band. According to the keyboard player (Jason), only Jason and the lead singer Greg are original members. The lead guitarist (Dave), drummer (James) and bass player (Lorelei, who is very attractive guys) recently joined the band. You'd never know it, though. They were sharp and energetic, with subdued dream pop vocals, but heavy guitar thrashes. There's a lesson in live music here. You've got a hot group like BSP, that everyone turns out to see (sea?) and you end up finding something new. In fact, after the energetic Film School set, BSP seemed tame...at least until the self-indulgent madness at the end. Their run with BSP is coming to an end in the Southern leg of BSP's tour, but Jason said the band decided to continue touring on its own while it has momentum. Highly recommended. See their MySpace page for tour dates.

Tina Fey Is Hot

Need I say more?

Labelwhore

No, I'm not talking about the Blogger labels feature. From Folio Weekly in Jacksonville, Florida, came this item:

Making artistic, themed scrapbooks is a $2.6 billion industry in the U.S. (nearly one-fifth as large as the adult-video industry) and has a "Hall of Fame" as protective of its morals as baseball's, which has shunned gamblers and steroid users. According to a January Wall Street Journal report, one "superstar" scrapbooker, Kristina Contes, was recently kicked out of the hall for violating etiquette by displaying another's photo inside her scrapbook in a competition. Contes said the oversight was inadvertent but that she is now shunned within the community for her grave offense and is called "labelwhore."

What do you say to that? I actually think the scrapbooking industry is worse for America than adult-videos (assuming they don't involve children, which I would not endorse in any form). Scrapbooking is another of those seemingly-sweet American institutions, like cheerleading or Little League baseball, that spouts a bunch of draconian rules because basically, people like to tell other people what to do and think. Now I wouldn't consider scrapbooking "art" no matter what...not my thing. But it isn't my job to tell people what constitutes "art" and what doesn't. I don't think Thomas Kinkaid makes art either, but millions of people disagree. Fine. But I'm SURE it doesn't qualify as art if the governing body tells you what you can and cannot do with your art.

Rainbow

So every once and awhile I decide to listen to some old music that I never otherwise hear or think of. I thought about posting a review of an old album I have by Rainbow, called "Straight Between the Eyes." Instead I decided I would just pick a few Rainbow songs from their catalog, and talk about them. Background Ritchie Blackmore was the guitarist for Deep Purple (y'know, Smoke on the Water?) but decided to start his own band. He recruited Ronnie James Dio as the lead singer, and they stepped into the metal/fantasy genre. Dio would later front Black Sabbath before having a solo career. Along the way Rainbow picked up a few other Deep Purple alumni, like bassist Roger Glover. Dio gets fed up with Blackmore in about three years, and Blackmore brings on board another guy who only lasted a year. Then came Joe Lynn Turner, who could really sing, but was more mainstream. Eventually the albums stopped selling and they went their own ways. Man on the Silver Mountain (1976): B+ This classic rock track is on the first album, called "Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow," and it's the first track. For my money it's the best of the Dio tracks. Plus, it has a great opening chord riff that is perfectly reminiscent of Deep Purple. You wouldn't know the difference, until Dio starts singing. Later, in Sabbath and on his own, he is more of a screamer. Here, he is a vocalist. Lyrics are nothing special, but since they are well-sung they come off okay:

[Excerpt] I'm a wheel, I'm a wheel I can roll, I can feel And you can't stop me turning

• Vocals: A-
• Guitar: A
• Bass: B
• Drums: B
• Keyboards: n/a
• Solos: B
• Arrangement: B
• Lyrics: C+

Long Live Rock and Roll (1978): C- Off the fourth album with the same name as the song. Generally, I don't like songs with the words "Rock and Roll" in the title. They sound like cheap party songs designed to hook the generic fan. This track goes one step further and has a guitar riff that echoes Dio's voice when he sings the chorus. I nearly always find that unsatisfying, because again, it's just too hooky. The chorus repeats...over and over and over. The drums sound like they were recorded in a garage. Dio is screaming more here, like an arena rock frontman. And he sounds out of breath. A couple of times he sounds almost like he's talking, fast and loud. Lyrics are a snore:

[Excerpt] In a different time When the words didn't rhyme You could never quite be sure Then on with the change It was simple but strange And you knew the feeling seemed to say it all

• Vocals: C
• Guitar: C
• Bass: B-
• Drums: C
• Keyboards: n/a
• Solos: C
• Arrangement: D
• Lyrics: D

I Surrender (1980): C Joe Lynn Turner's debut on vocals. I'm skipping the interim guys. This particular song sounds a lot like a Foreigner knock off, with a much worse chorus. It sounds like Foreigner if Foreigner spent all its time wondering what it would look like in a music video. The verses are alright, though undistinguishable from 1,000 other rock songs during this time period. Turner sounds good, but there's only so much he can do with a chorus that requires him to sing "I surrender" and "I remember" with background singers echoing him. Definitely detracts from the song having any hard edge. On the chorus, he's straining. I don't think his voice is ready yet. The guitar solo has very little distortion. The drum occasionally has one of those clap/bullwhip cracks for punch. Yuck. They are clearly trying to sell records. No wonder they didn't. This doesn't sound like a hard rock band. Would Michael Bolton sing these lyrics?:

[Excerpt] I surrender to your heart babe Do anything that you want me to do Please be tender I'm in your hands girl This is a feeling I never knew

• Vocals: B
• Guitar: C-
• Bass: B
• Drums: C+
• Keyboards: D
• Solos: D
• Arrangement: C+
• Lyrics: D

Death Alley Driver (1982): B This song and the next one are on "Straight Between the Eyes," an album I bought in 1982. I'm guessing these songs will get decent reviews, because I liked them at the time. Then again, they might not hold up. This song begins with the cliche of some race car sounds. Then the snare kicks in, uptempo, followed by a chopping guitar. Turner bursts in, and now his voice is in full form. You can't miss the energy in this song. The pre-chorus is weak, but the rest of the song propels along like...a....real...rock...band! The solo sounds like a less distorted Iron Maiden riff, without the second guitar. Blackmore showing off his chops, especially in the second half of the solo. He's no Dave Murray (of Iron Maiden) in this song, but it's worth listening to. Unfortunately, it is followed by a distorted keyboard solo. They are rock lyrics, but they work...though there's the dreaded "rock and roll" reference. Points deducted for that:

[Excerpt] Rough and ready rider in a supersonic sound machine Rock and Roll survivor Chrome pipes between your knees

• Vocals: B+
• Guitar: B+
• Bass: B
• Drums: B
• Keyboards: C
• Solos: B+
• Arrangement: B+
• Lyrics: B-

Stone Cold (1982): B+ This got play on the radio, which is how I ended up with the LP. It is a slower song. I wouldn't exactly call it a rock ballad, because that conjures up some cheap bands like Winger and Wasp. It's more dark and brooding than that. It has a heavy keyboard part, but it actually adds to the dark mood instead of dominating the song. The pieces all work together very well, with no one part trying to steal the show. The guitar has a chorus effect, and there are a few fills that add a little "haunting" to the song. Turner sounds a little like Paul Stanley (Kiss) in the pre-chorus but then he actually shows us the real stuff in the chorus. The solo doesn't sound like Blackmore at all...nothing like in Death Alley Driver. Again, a little Mick Jones (Foreigner) here, with more technical skill. Maybe a little Neal Schon (Journey...don't laugh...Schon could really play). He also has a nice solo in the outro under the lyrics Lyrics are much improved. Simply put, this song still works. I enjoyed listening to this again. This is when their album sales declined? Crazy!

[Excerpt] Your words like ice fall on the ground Breaking the silence without a sound Oh familiar strangers with nothing to say Searching in the darkness

• Vocals: B+
• Guitar: B
• Bass: B
• Drums: B
• Keyboards: B
• Solos: A-
• Arrangement: A
• Lyrics: B

Street of Dreams (1983): C Still Joe Lynn Turner, but this would be the band's last album. It sounds like it would have played perfectly on the previous LP, except the keyboards are front and center, dominating the intro. You'd have to really listen to find the guitar. This album is very produced, which is not a good thing. This is an MTV album. Turner still sings pretty well, but it's all cleaned up and softened, for more appeal to the masses. They are trying to find the money, and in the process, making themselves like every other rock band in 1983. I had a brief Icehouse flashback during the second verse! Icehouse wasn't half bad at what it was trying to do, but Rainbow doing it? Unh-unh. I don't think so. At least the solo has a guitar in it. I expected a little more inspiration from the solo, considering that instrument does absolutely nothing else in the song. Instead, it is a filler solo, there because rock songs are supposed to have solos. Lyrics are average for this kind of band. Rainbow's end.

[Excerpt] There you stood a distant memory So good like we never parted Said to myself I knew you'd set me free And here we are right back where we started

• Vocals: B
• Guitar: C- (tempted to put n/a)
• Bass: B-
• Drums: C
• Keyboards: C-
• Solos: C-
• Arrangement: C+
• Lyrics: B-

Easter Bunnies and Christmas Clauses

Having reflected on Easter, I'm even more confused than before.

Yes, it is ridiculous (except in a mythological sense) that Jesus rose from the grave, etc. etc., though not any more ridiculous than his status as the son of god.

But how did the Easter Bunny get in the mix? The same could be said for Santa.

Here's the answer. Even for Christians, the religious significance of the holidays is not enough to get their attention. Instead, they need gifts, and painted eggs, and fattened live beings (whether human or hare) to make those days matter. Christmas and Easter aren't a good sell if the only message is the birth of Christ and his resurrection.

What Christmas and Easter needed were a good ad man. Something hooky. Something to get people interested. Most religious people know very little about their religion anyway. They know they are supposed to go to church. They know that even if they don't go to church, they should go on Christmas and Easter. Makes them feel good...saves them from an eternity in Hell.

Or maybe I'm not giving Christianity enough credit. (I know, it's hard to believe). Perhaps they are more devious and they know they'll get people hooked on Christianity by the attractiveness of Santa and the Easter Bunny. People will become Christians without even knowing it! Brilliant.

Don't get me wrong. I like painting eggs. I like hiding them, and when I was a kid, I liked finding them. I like candy. I definitely like presents (both giving and receiving). I do not, however, pretend that I'm doing something else on those days, or that there aren't 363.25 other days of the year that I could do those things instead.

Also, I find giant bunnies a little scary. Not as scary as clowns, but scary nonetheless.

Topic: "Donnie Darko" did for rabbits what "It" did for clowns.

Vagina Lollipops

No, I'm not talking about candy sold at an "adult" store. I'm talking about the vagina-shaped lollipops used to promote productions of The Vagina Monologues at the graduate school where I teach. I don't know what flavor they are. It seemed like a bad idea for a male professor to take one, even though they are free, and I haven't mustered the guts to ask someone else. I'm guessing chocolate, as that is the only flavor I found in a web search...a Google that, because it was performed on my work computer, will probably be misinterpreted and will get me fired. I'm not that skittish about these things, so I don't think there is an inner prude emerging from my soul. I was just...surprised (and perhaps, curious?). Anyway, I'm just wondering if the promotion of the event really needs to be taken this far. The brochures already have the "V" represented by a woman lying on her back with her legs spread in a "v" shape. The word vagina is in the title. We pretty much get the gist of what's going on. This post is not meant as a commentary on the play itself. I've never even seen the play, though I've read the script...long story. I just think the promotion is a little odd. Can you imagine a play ("Penis Prologues" or "Cock Chronicles"), at a graduate school, where the promotional items included a phallus-shaped lollipop? They'd be heaped on a bonfire, and the news media would be invited to attend. And no, I did not do a web search for those! I say do the play, but let the play speak for itself. Incidentally, apparently not every woman is so enamored with the play, as illustrated in this guide describing how to hate on V-Day.

Cruelty to Animals

This story makes me sick: Pro Golfer Kills Hawk A red-shouldered hawk, squawking in the background of an important golf instructional video? Let's kill it! This was no accident. The golfer lined up a number of balls and started hitting them in the hawk's direction. When one went close to the hawk, he got excited, so he kept trying. He's a pro golfer. He can hit things with a golf ball if he tries enough times. And he did. He whacked the hawk, who lay bleeding from the nostrils. The hawk, doing nothing but what nature commands, is martyred for a golf instructional video! Fuck golf! Say it three times fast.

Elective Surgery

Having never had surgery, and being scared to friggin' death of it, I don't understand elective surgery. Until now. Pop star Kelly Rowland had plastic surgery to bring her "from an A-cup to a B-cup." According to Rowland: "I was sick of not fitting into tops. There was this one really hot House of Dereon top - I just wanted to fill that out." I would write more about this, but I'm on hold with a plastic surgeon. I'm thinking about buttock augmentation, because I saw some really cute jeans at The Gap.

Bush Knows Me Well

Our president actually said this yesterday:

"When I say I'm confident [about a Republican winning the presidency in 2008], I am so because I understand the mentality of the American people," Bush said. "

Insert choking sounds here.

Whopper Freakout

I actually visited www.whopperfreakout.com. I'm not proud of it. Why did I do it? Two reasons, really. First, I wanted to see if it was real, or if it was just something funny to say on the commercial. Second, I'm so happy NOT to see the creepy Burger King on the commercials, I was in some sort of euphoric state that clouded my judgment. I didn't stay long. Does that make it better? It's just a collection of commercials showing people getting upset about the Whopper not being available. What I like about the commercials is how seriously people take it. To me, that's not a commentary on how good Whoppers are. It's a commentary on Americans.

NFL Strutters

I'm watching the Giants/Packers NFC Championship game. The field is frozen. Eli Manning completed a first down pass to Plaxico Burress. A nice play. Burress was hit very hard by a defensive back for the Packers...name of Bigby (not a star). Bigby got up and celebrated like they were on the way to the Super Bowl. Hey, Bigby. You got beat. Burress caught the ball. First down. First downs are bad for your team. Idiot.

Terry Vereen Plumbing

I live three blocks from a plumbing establishment. Their headquarters are at the edge of an old neighborhood in town. They keep a business fleet of 15 or so trucks and vans on their property. Every day, at "quittin' time," these 15 trucks and vans come barreling down the residential streets at about 45 miles per hour, accelerating as fast as possible from stop signs. It's like a bunch of rednecks filled with Bud on New Year's Eve. Every day! You think maybe they are in a hurry to get home? Nope. When they reach headquarters, they stand around in the parking lot talking to each other. Must be some conversation. I bet Terry loses a lot of neighborhood business. If I needed a plumber, I'd call someone further away.

Irresponsible Headlines

Headline: Ringo is Dead What did you think when you saw that? Yeah, me too. The least talented (but equally famous) member of The Beatles seems to have died. Or not. The headline is for Hall of Famer and Green Bay Packers "great" Jim Ringo. I've never heard of him. I've watched sports since the early 70s...thousands of football games. Never heard the name. I worked as a sports producer in television. Never heard of him. My not having heard his name does not diminish how great he was -- if he was great -- but if I've never heard of him, I think it's fair to say that "Ringo is Dead" will not trigger Jim Ringo in the minds of the general public. I bet 90% of those in Green Bay, Wisconsin, thought of a drummer first and a football player second.

God's Law

Another feature of the South (and perhaps elsewhere): A Jacksonville (FL) sheriff's office car has a Jesus fish on it.

Decline of the Eyebrow

This may be a Southern thing, but I've noticed a lot of 18-25 year old women shaving their eyebrows completely off, and then re-drawing them. Someone explain this to me. I understand many women don't like their eyebrow shape, and while I think that's pretty silly -- I've never heard a guy say something positive or negative about a woman's eyebrows, as long as there are two -- the thought they would re-draw them, rather than re-shape them, is ludicrous. They don't even look like eyebrows. They take some kind of makeup pencil and draw a skinny little half-McDonald's arch in deep brown. No one's eyebrows are shaped like that. No one's eyebrows are that color. No one's eyebrows consist of a smooth edged line. I'd say these people look like hookers, except hookers are smart enough not to draw on their eyebrows because they know it will hurt business. Who is going to tell these women the truth?

New Pig

Scientists claim they've found a new species of wild pig in the Brazilian jungle. I'm not exactly sure why it is news today, considering that the Dutch scientist who found it said he made the discovery in 2000. Anyway, according to the scientist:

I sensed there was something behind me and looked over my shoulder and saw three huge peccaries walking in a row," he said in an interview. "They came and disappeared like ghosts without making any sounds. That was atypical of peccaries, who always go around making lots of noise.

That description is a little overdramatized. I spent a week in the Peruvian jungle. Yes, peccaries are quite loud, and if these are quiet, that's pretty cool. However, your ears are not the first to detect their presence...your nose is. These things smell B-A-D. You smell them before you hear them. They travel in packs, and the smell is overpoweringly pungent. So how did the scientist get surprised when he looked over his shoulder to see a little peccary family? I've got to believe he smelled them first. The scientist is an interesting guy, though. He just spent 16 months in a Brazilian prison because he auctioned off the naming rights to some of the species he has discovered in the Amazon. The proceeds from the auctions are used to preserve the wild areas where they live. Kudos Dr. van Roosmalen.