Jesus the Traffic Cop

A Russian Man, Sergei Torop (pictured...thanks wiki), says he is Jesus Christ. Torop is 46 years old, and is a former traffic cop. He has approximately 5,000 followers. Torop lives on a mountaintop, and occasionally descends so his followers can worship him.

Luba Derbina, a former translator for the Red Cross, said "This is him. This is the one, the teacher I have been waiting for all my life. Yes, I believe he is Jesus Christ. I know it, like I know I'm breathing, and that's it." See the story here.

Needless to say, JC is not on board. "That guy is not me. Perhaps I'm stating the obvious. I look a lot more like Barry Gibb, and my eyes are green not blue."

At the present time, Christ says he has no plans to visit Torop. "Such a long journey. Who needs it? Plus, I've got people for that sort of thing."

CUFI Rapture

Christians United for Israel believes in the expansion of Israeli territory and military action against Iran. CUFI believes that it needs to preserve Israel, because Jesus will be returning to the holy land after sinners have been wiped from the Earth. The CUFI folks believe when Jesus comes back, the Jews will say "Oh, you guys were right after all. Jesus is the savior." Tom DeLay is a fan of the second coming and says he "hope(s) it comes tomorrow." Check out the video here: CUFI Conference. Jesus was unable to attend the conference, due to pressing matters in Spain, but provided a brief statement to reporters as he entered the Plaza del Toro.

I don't know what all this talk is about the second coming. I'm already here people! Nevertheless, I support CUFI's efforts to help Israel, because as I've whispered to Dick Cheney on several occasions, Iraq must be wiped out and the Holy Land must be preserved. I grew up in that region -- I have wonderful boyhood memories, at least until I was crucified. In the meantime, I would encourage everyone to check out a reasonable facsimile of the region at The Holy Land Experience in Orlando. Now if you will excuse me, I have one of God's creatures to stab.

Satanic Lesbians

In Spain, a judge has ruled that a lesbian mother must marry a man to keep her two children. According to the judge:

It is understood that (a parent’s)...belonging to a satanic sect...would negatively affect the children and serve as a reason for a change of custody. Well, it’s the same with homosexuality.

I didn't realize that. Several days earlier Jesus Christ was seen materializing in the Spanish capital of Madrid, on vacation from his regular duties of advising the American government. Christ denied putting words into Judge Calamito's mouth, but was heard to remark "es muy bueno" in rudimentary Spanish.